Seeing Red Flags? Don't Ignore the Signs

What Would My Therapist Say? #8

A monthly advice column inspired by Neil, my dead therapist, who I knew for over 25 years. I share "Neil-isms" with you because they helped me get through life, relatively unscathed. My qualifications include being a woman in her late 50's who's lived through some shit and come out the other side--mostly intact. My degree in English doesn't really count, but my degree in life does.

Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

My indirect boss appears to have taken a shine to me. At first, I thought he was impressed with my work. He made a joking comment, “stick with me and you’ll go far.” He often calls me to his office or drops by my desk to talk about a work thing, which isn’t unusual, but some of the situations feel forced and I’m getting uncomfortable with the frequency.

Recently, he asked if he could catch a ride home. I agreed the first time he asked, but now he swings by at the end of the day, as if it’s a thing he expects. “You’re going that direction anyhow, if it’s no trouble.” This means walking several blocks together to my car and then being alone with him in my messy mom-car. I’m increasingly uncomfortable, but it feels rude to say no.

I’ve tried making excuses, but he doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. How do I tell him to back off and not offend him? I’m married with two young kids and have made a point of bringing up my family routinely as a way of signalling to him I’m not available, if that’s what he’s after? Maybe he’s just being friendly and I’m over-reacting.

Seeing Red Flags (and trying to avoid them)

What would my therapist say?  How is that working for you so far?  (The question usually combined with a well-timed, all knowing, raising of the eyebrows?)

---

Dear Seeing Red Flags,

Red flags are not to be ignored. It is your brain telling you something’s up. They don’t usually go off for no good reason. I’m sorry you are finding yourself in this uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately, the #MeToo movement hasn’t stopped some people from being idiots or saying stupid things. Perhaps he is completely unaware of how he’s making you feel or the position he’s putting you in. Given my experience with assholes, I doubt it. I’ve worked with so many I’ve lost count. I’ve learned from experience it’s best not to ignore them or the situation. It won’t resolve by avoiding it. Putting your head in the sand and pretending it will go away on its own is never a good strategy (although it’s one we all use far too often!)

Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment and say he’s a very friendly guy. It doesn’t change that his behaviour is not appropriate.

There are two issues:

1. The over-attentiveness you’re feeling from your boss’s boss. (Let’s call him Mr. Red Flag.)

2. Mr. Red Flag asking for a ride home.

What are your options?

Option 1: You state he is your indirect boss. This is a good thing. And let’s assume good intent and he’s approaching you at your desk to offer suggestions about your work or the project you’re working on. Thank Mr. Red Flag for his feedback and let him know you’ll pass along his suggestions (or direction) to your supervisor. This will signal to him that you’re not the person he should be talking to, you’re respecting the chain of command, and he knows you will be alerting your own boss so he or she is aware of the feedback (or direction).

Option 2: If they are comments unrelated to the job, and are more personal, then do the same. Go to your direct supervisor and let them know about the unwanted attention and comments. Be direct and specific. Don’t leave out your growing sense of unease. Your supervisor may ask you, “what would you like me to do with this information?” If so, be prepared to tell them if you’d like it dealt with internally by them, if you feel it needs to be escalated to HR or an outside agency, or you just want them to be aware of it for now and make a note on file. In some instances, depending on the severity of the situation, the supervisor may have no choice but to escalate. In larger organizations there will be a formal complaint process they will be obligated to follow.

Option 3: If you work for a small business and your employer doesn’t have a formal HR department, let’s hope your supervisor has some good management skills. If you find the situation doesn’t resolve in the coming weeks once you’ve spoken with your supervisor, then start looking for another job. Living in denial or waiting for the employer to change won’t be good for your overall wellbeing. Staying too long in a toxic or bad work environment will affect your health. Finding something that is a better fit with good people will be well worth it in the long run.

As for him asking for the ride home. That’s an easy one. Say “No.” That’s all. Full stop. Don’t feel the need to explain. In Canada, we tend to say “Sorry, no.” You can skip the sorry. For us Canadians, it’s a cultural thing. We feel compelled to apologize for some reason. It’s like a bad tic. (Or an endearing one that’s time has come.)

When I didn’t feel equipped to handle a situation, Neil would always advise to ‘put it in the appropriate person’s hands and then you’ve done your job.’ If I did that one action, I had done my job. It took me a long time to absorb and understand this lesson. “It’s out of your hands and into the ones that will be able to do something about it.” This is a very hard habit to unlearn if you’ve been the ‘go to’ fix it person your entire life. However, it’s a relief when you know the problem is not yours to resolve. It’s someone else’s. In this case, it’s your supervisor and direct boss’ issue. Not yours.  

You may also find the steps for “how to master a difficult conversation” towards the end of this post helpful. Different situation, but the steps still apply any conversation you are stressed about. Perhaps use this when you prepare to speak to your supervisor about their boss. Ultimately, know this isn’t your issue to fix. Hand it to the appropriate person and then leave it with them to resolve. Understand you’ve done what you could do and then make any further decisions from there.

Any outcome will be better than the stress you are feeling every day. Good luck and know you’re doing the right thing by addressing your concerns.

Keep (un)Learning. KVB. Xo

What say you?

1. What’s been your experience with work assholes?

2. Any with a happy ending? (I have one, that’s why I ask! There is hope.)

3. Any additional advice you’d like to offer?