Trying Hard, But Hurt; Confronting Unmet Expectations
What Would My Therapist Say? #7
A monthly advice column inspired by Neil, my dead therapist, of 25 years. I share "Neil-isms" with you because they helped me get through life, relatively unscathed. My qualifications include being a woman in her late 50's who's lived through some shit and come out the other side--mostly intact. My degree in English doesn't really count, but my degree in life does.
Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you.
Dear Armchair Therapist,
I have had a tumultuous relationship with my sister since we were young. When she had children, we reconnected. I enjoy being an Auntie. I didn’t have children of my own and relished the time I spent with my niece and nephew when they were little. As they became teens, my sister cut off communication with me. I tried to maintain some contact by sending gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays. I don’t know if they ever received them.
A few years ago, due to her health, I got back in touch with her. I wanted her to know I was thinking of her. She was struggling financially, and I was able to help her with a loan, and be part of my niece and nephew’s life again.
They are young adults now, and I am feeling very hurt they have not acknowledged the several gifts I’ve sent for their birthdays and Christmas. Nor has my sister acknowledged my financial support or offered to pay me back now that she is on her feet again.
It seems they only want me there when they need something. It hurts me when the care I put into my gifts and communication with them is not acknowledged or reciprocated.
I don’t want to be a bad sister or aunt. How do I let them know they’ve hurt me in this way without risking breaking the relationship again?
Trying Hard, But Hurt.
What would my therapist say? What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Dear Trying Hard, But Hurt.
You are a very loving and caring sister and aunt. They are lucky to have you in their lives. If they don’t realize this, it is their loss. Unfortunately, it would be yours as well, which I can see you’d like to avoid.
Having a relationship with your sister and your niece and nephew, means you are going to have to decide if you are willing to accept them as they are. Not how you want them to be. But, they can’t change if they don’t know there’s an issue.
It sounds like you resumed a relationship with your sister, but didn’t ever address or talk about why she cut you out of her life in the first place. I can understand why you’d be doubly hurt now.
As far as I can tell, there are three separate things going on here. All being woven into one giant ball of hurt and emotions.
You loaned your sister money when she needed it. She hasn’t paid you back.
You desire to have a relationship with your adult niece and nephew. They don’t seem to be responding in kind.
You’re afraid to speak up for fear you will lose the relationships again.
You’ve put a lot of expectations on your sister and your niece and nephew that they are unable or unwilling to meet.
When you give with expectations attached, there will inevitably be resentment, anger and hurt feelings. Especially if you compare what you would do if the situations were reversed.
Giving with an open heart, with no expectations of anything in return is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to some of us. Especially if we learned early on that generosity is transactional. It’s a goal of mine to unlearn this way of thinking.
This quote helped me to understand the meaning of generosity and expectations.
“True generosity is an offering; given freely and out of pure love. No strings attached. No expectations. Time and love are the most valuable possession you can share.” Suzi Orman
Subconsciously, do you think you may have provided your sister with the money in hopes of gaining her affection? Or in order to re-establish the relationship with her and your niece and nephew?
It’s not a solid base for a loving relationship, and it sounds like it was shaky to start with. Did you ever speak to her about why she cut off your relationship in the first place? If not, there are many things being left unspoken, and many assumptions being made—by both of you.
I would suggest you have the difficult conversation with your sister—once and for all. It really is the proverbial elephant in the room which will prevent you from moving forward in any kind of positive way with your family.
If you don’t talk about it, it won’t ever change. Tell her directly, you would like her to repay the loan, if that’s what you want.
Tell your niece and nephew you’d like to hear from them every now and again. Tell them what that looks like for you. Be specific.
And be prepared for whatever the outcome might be. You may be pleasantly surprised. You won’t know until you have the conversation. Living in fear of the relationship being withdrawn isn’t a healthy relationship.
How to Master a Difficult Conversation
Set your boundaries in a loving way. Set aside time for the conversation so neither of you will be distracted and set your intentions—what is your best and highest hope for the conversation. There are five steps I want you to think about before you start. Write them out ahead of time if you need to.
Name the issue. (I want to share how I felt after our last interaction.)
Provide specific example of the behaviour or situation you would like to change. (I didn’t hear back from you when I sent you the gift, loan, etc.)
Describe your emotions about the issue. (I feel hurt and confused when…)
Let them know your preferred outcome. (I want to be able to have a loving, reciprocal relationship with you.)
And how the issue can be resolved. (I want us to communicate in a way that feels good for both of us.)
Ask them to respond. (I’d like to better understand how you feel about this.)
Listen.
Depending on the outcome of the conversation, you may wish to accept the relationship for what it is, and adjust your expectations of them. Or it may mean you lovingly say goodbye. Either way, you’ll know you’ve done what you can to change it.
I would encourage you to honour your feelings and get clarity on what you need and want from these relationships. Don’t let them sit and fester as it will only hurt you more in the end.
And, whether they acknowledge it or not, you are a loving sister and aunt. That is clear by how much you care!
Keep (un)Learning. KVB. Xo
You are so kind, Kim. I believe in Maya Angelou's sage advice: When someone shows you who they are, believe them...the first time. It sounds to me like the mother (sister) has raised her children/young adults to have relationships they way she does, at least with Trying Hard. Showing no appreciation for the loan is a sign. She didn't see it as help. It was an expectation: You have what I need; give it to me. Any parent who doesn't teach their kids to send thank-you notes is a narcissist or jerk (I was never taught to send thank-you notes -- hi, mom! -- I now have a collection of them on hand and take a card with me when I am a guest to leave behind for my host to find when I'm gone). All the signs of the one-way street are there. Trying Hard can definitely have the conversation, with an open mind and heart, and I hope it works out for all of them. In my experience, the thought of even having such a conversation is an affront to those types. They are perfect and right and you are a selfish, needy complainer if you expect anything more from them. Or at least that's my mother and her mother and brothers and yeah. That's fun. As for the loan, if it was given as a loan, the sister should pay it back (she won't). Always always always put that in writing so it's clear. (Trust me from my lesson learned.) Some of us are willing to give money we can't afford to lose to help someone we care about. That's not attaching strings; that's math! But I've learned to stop giving gifts to those who don't acknowledge them. I don't expect a parade or a written note, or even a "thanks". But it sucks to have to ask, "Did you receive that?" (Because the mail service ain't what it used to be.) The few people I've stopped giving to are the sister's kind. They expect something from everybody, yet rarely give to anyone. (Let me tell you the story of a guy I know who went to a neighbor who's retired and asked her to throw his 50th. And, no, he wasn't going to chip in. And, yes, he makes a fortune.) We have to learn to see people as they are, not how we want or hope for them to be. That doesn't mean we need to cut them off or ice them out, but to not have expectations that are going to end in disappointment. We were taught to treat people the way we want to be treated (especially as women), but that sets up the expectation our gestures will be reciprocated. They may not. Set boundaries instead. xo
This is such a juicy one because we do get so bound up in expectations around giving and reciprocity, and wanting to be a part of each other's lives but then not knowing how to be there for someone, or getting caught up in our own immediate family drama, and not wanting to burden the rest of your family with it or feeling embarrassed by it. I love the steps/script you laid out... so common sense... I want to print them and stick them up on my fridge for my next difficult conversation. As I age, I keep coming back to the fact that try as we might, we often have to detach from outcome and leave the light on for the person we love.