Great advice Neil-channeled-by-Kim. I hope this is resolved easily. I would feel uncomfortable too. The only problem with a woman saying No is that this coworker could start spreading rumors and make life difficult. Always nip these situations in the bud and go directly to HR. Asking for a ride home over and over is unprofessional, rude and manipulative. Not to mention disrespectful. For a mom of little ones walking to her car and driving home is probably the only time in her day she gets valuable alone time.
I have so many thoughts here. Of course people can decide they are uncomfortable with a situation. Full stop. But I also think exploring why they do can be valuable. Why don’t I feel comfortable saying No? What do I think will happen? What am I afraid of feeling? This is a situation where I personally would be afraid of being perceived as “not nice” and extends beyond bosses and work life to other areas of my life. When I am focused on being nice, I can’t be my best self, because I’m outward focused. If, instead, I choose to focus on other values—being professional or clear or authentic—it helps me respond in a way that is usually more useful …
Left a lot of jobs.... for which my family elders thought me a fool. Left a lot of family....... In retrospect I wonder "if they had lived long enough to grasp my late-life diagnosis of autism..... would they have treated me any different ?" Ah, well, that's life.
What do you think Maurice? If they had known? Would they have been able to find an empathy gene or compassion if there was a label attached? I often wonder this too. If people find a more patient or kind side of themselves once they know what might be ailing someone. It shouldn't be the case. Kindness and patience. Having said that, I was not the most kind or patient person when I was younger. Always in a hurry and wanting to "get things done." My husband has dyslexia and I knew this going in and I still would get so frustrated with his thinking process. The speed of it. I'm embarrassed by my behaviour sometimes when I think back. 🤦🏼♀️ 😬
She should just say no to the lift next time, just add "i mentioned it to my husband and he is not very happy. So , no.."and definitely mention it to hubbie unless he is the jealous murdering type. What is it with women that feel they have to be nice when inside they see the red flags. Be firm, say No and get it over with. The 2nd time is easier etc etc. Don't back down . Ted Bundy preyed on womens' niceness to not reject him. Just say no once with or without excuses and move on. Any further harassment then at the office tell him very clearly he is overstepping boundaries, and the 2nd time go tell a senior or hr. It may not be easy but the approach of I am not unterested has to be communicated loudly and clearly. And hope he is not some psycho who will stalk you and make your life miserable
I had an experience that, unfortunately, I wasn’t equipped to handle. What I learned was I didn’t feel able to ask for help and support and that realization really hit home.
There should be a mandatory course when it comes to navigating assholes in the workplace. None of us should feel ill-equipped to handle these situations. Paralyzed by fear and afraid to speak up for fear of losing our job or career. Sigh. I wish those days were over. We can't change the asshole, but we can change our response. I'm sorry you had an experience like this. I'm afraid its way too common. Still.
We were not taught to ask for help, and when we did, the abuse increased. Society fails to properly educate us to deal with this. Nor does society deal efficiently with abusers, ergo we end up with Trumps and Putins.
If I were SRF, I would lie and say, "Just to give you a heads-up, I'll be picking up my husband/kids/in-law after work, and that's in the opposite direction of you. So, I won't be able to give you rides home anymore. Sorry." (The sorry is optional or a great way to slide in some sarcasm.) Because just saying No to a jerk usually encourages them to force you into a Yes or you become an enemy because of the No. Not right, not fair, not just, just how it is with those types of men. Also, he makes more money, right? Get a Lyft or your car fixed or a new car or a comfy pair of shoes to walk to the train, FFS. She did not agree to a carpool! A co-worker, whose house I literally drive by on the way to mine, would profusely apologize to even ask for a ride home because the car was still in the shop and then thank me profusely the next day. Most people (ie, not pervy jerks) aren't comfortable asking for favors (even if the favors are welcomed and easy). We appreciate the kindness and not assume it's ours for the taking. But SRF is dealing with a true asshat. I suggest documenting everything, take it to the boss/HR or an employment attorney. Like you said, this is not a positive environment. One of them has to go. (And she should get a very nice exit package with a beyond-glowing recommendation in writing if she's decides she wants out.) You rule, KVB. xo
Great advice Neil-channeled-by-Kim. I hope this is resolved easily. I would feel uncomfortable too. The only problem with a woman saying No is that this coworker could start spreading rumors and make life difficult. Always nip these situations in the bud and go directly to HR. Asking for a ride home over and over is unprofessional, rude and manipulative. Not to mention disrespectful. For a mom of little ones walking to her car and driving home is probably the only time in her day she gets valuable alone time.
I never thought of that Carissa, but you are right! I used to treasure that decompression time. No wonder it would be doubly irksome!!
Yes, we all need to be aware that we have to give others their space.....
I have so many thoughts here. Of course people can decide they are uncomfortable with a situation. Full stop. But I also think exploring why they do can be valuable. Why don’t I feel comfortable saying No? What do I think will happen? What am I afraid of feeling? This is a situation where I personally would be afraid of being perceived as “not nice” and extends beyond bosses and work life to other areas of my life. When I am focused on being nice, I can’t be my best self, because I’m outward focused. If, instead, I choose to focus on other values—being professional or clear or authentic—it helps me respond in a way that is usually more useful …
Beautiful. Love this Marika. Thanks for sharing.
Good balance prevent falls....
Kim, As usual this feature of What Would My Therapist Say? contains so much wisdom. When I see it, I drop everything to read it.
Placing the problem or issue with the person most able to deal with it is something I've learned to do, albeit with a lot of trial and error.
As for assholes at work, at one point I simply left and then came back when the guy was fired.
David, you are too kind.
Isn't it crazy that others are the ones that usually have to make the move because of the assholes?
I see you've changed your profile picture! Nice to see your smiling face. :)
Thanks Kim!
Left a lot of jobs.... for which my family elders thought me a fool. Left a lot of family....... In retrospect I wonder "if they had lived long enough to grasp my late-life diagnosis of autism..... would they have treated me any different ?" Ah, well, that's life.
What do you think Maurice? If they had known? Would they have been able to find an empathy gene or compassion if there was a label attached? I often wonder this too. If people find a more patient or kind side of themselves once they know what might be ailing someone. It shouldn't be the case. Kindness and patience. Having said that, I was not the most kind or patient person when I was younger. Always in a hurry and wanting to "get things done." My husband has dyslexia and I knew this going in and I still would get so frustrated with his thinking process. The speed of it. I'm embarrassed by my behaviour sometimes when I think back. 🤦🏼♀️ 😬
She should just say no to the lift next time, just add "i mentioned it to my husband and he is not very happy. So , no.."and definitely mention it to hubbie unless he is the jealous murdering type. What is it with women that feel they have to be nice when inside they see the red flags. Be firm, say No and get it over with. The 2nd time is easier etc etc. Don't back down . Ted Bundy preyed on womens' niceness to not reject him. Just say no once with or without excuses and move on. Any further harassment then at the office tell him very clearly he is overstepping boundaries, and the 2nd time go tell a senior or hr. It may not be easy but the approach of I am not unterested has to be communicated loudly and clearly. And hope he is not some psycho who will stalk you and make your life miserable
I had one of those once! They're no fun. Police got involved and the whole 9 yards. He was eventually caught and cease and desisted.
I had an experience that, unfortunately, I wasn’t equipped to handle. What I learned was I didn’t feel able to ask for help and support and that realization really hit home.
There should be a mandatory course when it comes to navigating assholes in the workplace. None of us should feel ill-equipped to handle these situations. Paralyzed by fear and afraid to speak up for fear of losing our job or career. Sigh. I wish those days were over. We can't change the asshole, but we can change our response. I'm sorry you had an experience like this. I'm afraid its way too common. Still.
Yes 🙌🏽 we all need help. I’ve left many a promising position due to assholery. Conflict adverse, anyone?
Someone: please create a hilarious Course: “Assholes at Work: How to Navigate Everyone from your Butthead Boss to Constipated Coworkers”
Agreed! This kind of education should be mandatory.
We were not taught to ask for help, and when we did, the abuse increased. Society fails to properly educate us to deal with this. Nor does society deal efficiently with abusers, ergo we end up with Trumps and Putins.
If I were SRF, I would lie and say, "Just to give you a heads-up, I'll be picking up my husband/kids/in-law after work, and that's in the opposite direction of you. So, I won't be able to give you rides home anymore. Sorry." (The sorry is optional or a great way to slide in some sarcasm.) Because just saying No to a jerk usually encourages them to force you into a Yes or you become an enemy because of the No. Not right, not fair, not just, just how it is with those types of men. Also, he makes more money, right? Get a Lyft or your car fixed or a new car or a comfy pair of shoes to walk to the train, FFS. She did not agree to a carpool! A co-worker, whose house I literally drive by on the way to mine, would profusely apologize to even ask for a ride home because the car was still in the shop and then thank me profusely the next day. Most people (ie, not pervy jerks) aren't comfortable asking for favors (even if the favors are welcomed and easy). We appreciate the kindness and not assume it's ours for the taking. But SRF is dealing with a true asshat. I suggest documenting everything, take it to the boss/HR or an employment attorney. Like you said, this is not a positive environment. One of them has to go. (And she should get a very nice exit package with a beyond-glowing recommendation in writing if she's decides she wants out.) You rule, KVB. xo