Aside from a clinical diagnosis, I think so many people feel unhappy because we don't understand what happy actually is. We think it's euphoric, that it doesn't leave, or that we have to earn it, can't have it until everything is perfect and right. We put so much pressure on what happiness might, could or should be that we swat it away if it happens to show up at an inopportune time. Then we wonder why it isn't here. Then we judge ourselves for not having it. It's a big, messy loop. But exactly what you said, Kim: we get to feel our feelings. The feelings of another do not negate or minimize our own. It's like what someone said about rights -- people having them doesn't take away yours... IT'S NOT PIE! (I love that so hard.) It would be great if we stopped judging what we feel as good or bad and just accept those feelings as they are. Let them pass through, appreciate them for what they want to teach and let them go. But getting stuck in the yuck does take some investigation, and it's worth doing. We need to know what our tender spots are and the reactions they yield. Everything you said, Kim, is spot on. ❤ xo
I'm reading a book about stoic philosophy right now and it's exactly as you say above about not judging feeling good or bad, just accepting the feelings as they are--not good, or bad. They just are. I'm working on that daily right now and it really helps.
Sandra I love everything you said here. Happiness has gotten so distorted in our culture and we are brainwashed to think if we aren’t happy there is something wrong with us. The more posts like Kim’s the better!
Thank you, Noha! Coinky-dinkily, my post tomorrow is about how we can miss our happy. A writer friend here asked how to determine what makes us happy (because she wasn't always sure); diving into that. Because happy shouldn't be hard!!! LOL. But, we humans love to make simple things extraordinarily difficult. Gotta love us for that. xo
Thanks, Noha. And thanks for the sub! The post is up now, in case you weren't included in the send. Would love your thoughts! Will be checking your 'stack when I get to work (shhhh). xo
Nov 3, 2023·edited Nov 3, 2023Liked by Kim Van Bruggen
What did someone say to me a few weeks ago???... The more you try to seek out and design a life of happiness... the more likely you are to miss it entirely? Because happiness is a moment, or rather a whole collection of tiny moments spread out over a lifetime? I know it goes against all the happiness experts, like Arthur Brooks, but I can't help thinking there's some wisdom in it. Happiness is my youngest daughter making a wish on a dandelion the very first time in her life in a field at Bennington. Or, my older daughter asking what color a shadow is? And me struggling to explain. Or, the look of befuddled whimsy on my ex-husband's face on his birthday when we pulled up to a chateau in France and I said "Ta-da! I got you a castle!" Lol... (just for dinner). We should be allowed to feel all our feelings and not have to always solve them or medicate them away... feeling them gives us depth and range and richness as humans. Being 'Happy All the Time' (ironically the title of my favorite Laurie Colwin novel) is so much pressure to put on oneself... perhaps the happiness campaign misunderstands the real assignment that is the 'full life experience' ??? I'm sure Brooks would have a rebuttal. Just thoughts after a long day. xo
This is so true, we can only run from our feelings for so long. They will keep increasing in their intensity, or as you said Kim get buried deeper, the longer we leave them unobserved.
Feeling guilt for being sad or upset is a smokescreen to some degree. I don’t mean that guilt isn’t real, it seems to be a gnarly beast who commands our attention. But behind that beast lies something with more substance that’s trying to get our attention.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Donna. Always reflective and appreciated. I love passing along the wisdom my therapist shared with me and so many others. Makes me feel like he's still with us.
Re reading a second time... A time when I'm feeling not unhappy or sad but the it's like being on the edge of getting a cold. We just watched the episode of The Crown where Princess Diana dies... It was very triggering especially when Charles woke up William to tell him he mother was dead. I'm not sure if it is the approaching season and knowing I will not be with my kids or if it the stress of knowing we are making big yet to be determined changes this year. My heart feels weighted and I'm fearful of falling into the abyss of sadness.
Didn't mean to end that way... I hit the button thinking it would take me to the top to the comment "when we stop and embrace what scares us something is revealed...the vary marrow of our beingness...and that is where our true nature lives" I will have meditate on that for a while.
What a good way to describe it Natalie "like being on the edge of getting a cold." Hoping it doesn't progress, but also realizing you're likely going to succumb in the end and just hope the cold doesn't last too long and isn't too nasty.
p.s. I've avoided watching the last few seasons of the Crown, although I was a die-hard fan in those early years with the Queen. All those actresses that played her were brilliant. I definitely won't be able to watch this last season.
Nov 21, 2023·edited Nov 21, 2023Liked by Kim Van Bruggen
Hi Kim - As has been alluded to, Happiness and Joy are so complicated. Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama cowrote a book on exactly that. (I made a shot at summarizing some of their thoughts back in April if you're interested -https://markvanlaeys.substack.com/p/gleanings-from-fellow-travelers). We all have our ups and downs, but if I read you correctly you tend to hover more toward the latter.
I'm a retired physician assistant and would say that I generally recommended counselling for most of those with clinical depression. However, there was a subset of people for which no amount of counselling could break through their symptoms in an ongoing manner. It was in those people that judicious use of medications was frequently helpful. Even the best of counsellors can't correct a biochemical disorder, though they may help the patient manage acute flare-ups. I hate to see anyone suffer unnecessarily. If you haven't already, please consider seeing a trusted medical provider for their opinion after a relevant work-up. Best regards, and Happy Thanksgiving.
Hi Mark. I totally agree with your recommendations above re: counselling, medication, and definitely under doctor's care. So far, I have mostly written about my personal downs and what I've had to unlearn to work my way out of them, but stay tuned. I'm working on a series of essays and exploratory interviews regarding post-treatment and how that's lead to so many ups. :)
P.S. I've read most of your posts, but missed this one from April so thanks for sharing. I was literally just browsing books for potential Christmas gifts this morning and I saw this one and marked it as a possibility. Serendipity?
You're welcome, and no problem. I give you a lot of credit for sharing your personal struggles. You'll never know how many people you're supporting as they try to work through theirs. The comments directed your way are just the tip of the iceberg.
So powerful Kim. I bet Neil would be tickled at the thought that his "bits of wisdom" found their way on Substack ... inspiring this conversation. Underneath all the grief is our broken hearts, shattered dreams, and unmet needs. We can't outrun our so called demons. When we stop to face and embrace what scares us, something is revealed ... the very marrow of our beingness ... and that is where our true nature lives. More conversations like these please.
"When we stop to face and embrace what scares us, something is revealed ... the very marrow of our beingness." Love this. It's so true. I can't believe how long I clung to avoiding what scared me in the hopes it would all just go away.
Thanks for the encouragement to keep going! I'm sure Neil is smiling and giving the 'ol thumbs up sign. xo
This is such a wise (and necessary) letter; I especially appreciate you sharing how Princess Di's death made you understand that none of us are really safe. That realization, whenever and however you come to it, is a stunning blow.
I can't speak to the experience of clinical depression, which is obviously quite different from unhappiness. But isn't it interesting that accepting a bout of unhappiness is sometimes the first step to getting on the path to feeling ever-so-slightly better? I think it's because fighting what's true is a such a supreme source of misery.
Ugh. Fighting what's true. I did that for too long. I thought I could plan my way out of it. I'm guessing you might be able to relate to that. ;) If I have enough of a plan, nothing can go wrong. And if I just make it to here, I will be happy. But, as we all know, best laid plans...Although I have to say I love that our exploding plans have landed us here and connecting. :)
I'm glad it resonated. I like the wisdom that was shared with you. Feelings are important and ephemeral. I do wish I had understood this when I was younger.
I love this feature of your newsletter. I had clinical depression. There’s a difference between being in a rut and having depression. I also had a woman Neil for many years. I still remember one line she said to me and follow it to this day. When I complained about my parents’ limited ability to show interest she said, Why don’t you take what you can get and be satisfied?
And how was your relationship with your parents after that one line nugget of wisdom? Neil said much the same when I was complaining about my mom. If that's all she's able to give you either accept it or don't. First option you have a relationship with her. Second option you don't Pick one. He was blunt. I decided to have the relationship and accept it for what it was and stop trying to change it/change her or expect something different. It was much better. And, thank-goodness I did. She died about three years later.
And thanks for the encouraging words on this feature. I honestly was wrestling with this the past couple of weeks. Who am I to be doing this? What the heck do I know? etc etc. All the things that run through your head when you start doubting. In the end, I decided it was my way of acknowledging a wonderful counsellor and honouring him and what he did for me. Doubts be damned!
Doubts be damned. You have your own wisdom mixed with years of Neil’s voice in your head. Every therapist should be like Neil. Proactive. Acceptance is key in all things really. And forgiveness.
Aside from a clinical diagnosis, I think so many people feel unhappy because we don't understand what happy actually is. We think it's euphoric, that it doesn't leave, or that we have to earn it, can't have it until everything is perfect and right. We put so much pressure on what happiness might, could or should be that we swat it away if it happens to show up at an inopportune time. Then we wonder why it isn't here. Then we judge ourselves for not having it. It's a big, messy loop. But exactly what you said, Kim: we get to feel our feelings. The feelings of another do not negate or minimize our own. It's like what someone said about rights -- people having them doesn't take away yours... IT'S NOT PIE! (I love that so hard.) It would be great if we stopped judging what we feel as good or bad and just accept those feelings as they are. Let them pass through, appreciate them for what they want to teach and let them go. But getting stuck in the yuck does take some investigation, and it's worth doing. We need to know what our tender spots are and the reactions they yield. Everything you said, Kim, is spot on. ❤ xo
It's not pie!! Love that.
I'm reading a book about stoic philosophy right now and it's exactly as you say above about not judging feeling good or bad, just accepting the feelings as they are--not good, or bad. They just are. I'm working on that daily right now and it really helps.
Sandra I love everything you said here. Happiness has gotten so distorted in our culture and we are brainwashed to think if we aren’t happy there is something wrong with us. The more posts like Kim’s the better!
Thanks for your kind words you guys. xoxo
I love ALL of this!!
Thank you, Noha! Coinky-dinkily, my post tomorrow is about how we can miss our happy. A writer friend here asked how to determine what makes us happy (because she wasn't always sure); diving into that. Because happy shouldn't be hard!!! LOL. But, we humans love to make simple things extraordinarily difficult. Gotta love us for that. xo
Looking forward to it!
Thanks, Noha. And thanks for the sub! The post is up now, in case you weren't included in the send. Would love your thoughts! Will be checking your 'stack when I get to work (shhhh). xo
What did someone say to me a few weeks ago???... The more you try to seek out and design a life of happiness... the more likely you are to miss it entirely? Because happiness is a moment, or rather a whole collection of tiny moments spread out over a lifetime? I know it goes against all the happiness experts, like Arthur Brooks, but I can't help thinking there's some wisdom in it. Happiness is my youngest daughter making a wish on a dandelion the very first time in her life in a field at Bennington. Or, my older daughter asking what color a shadow is? And me struggling to explain. Or, the look of befuddled whimsy on my ex-husband's face on his birthday when we pulled up to a chateau in France and I said "Ta-da! I got you a castle!" Lol... (just for dinner). We should be allowed to feel all our feelings and not have to always solve them or medicate them away... feeling them gives us depth and range and richness as humans. Being 'Happy All the Time' (ironically the title of my favorite Laurie Colwin novel) is so much pressure to put on oneself... perhaps the happiness campaign misunderstands the real assignment that is the 'full life experience' ??? I'm sure Brooks would have a rebuttal. Just thoughts after a long day. xo
I love the anecdotes with your daughter's--and your ex! That's a fun surprise. And yes, to the full life experience. xo
And pardon all my late night typos... typo amnesty appreciated.
It's the comments section. If we can't have typo amnesty here, where are we safe to make typo's?!
This is so true, we can only run from our feelings for so long. They will keep increasing in their intensity, or as you said Kim get buried deeper, the longer we leave them unobserved.
Feeling guilt for being sad or upset is a smokescreen to some degree. I don’t mean that guilt isn’t real, it seems to be a gnarly beast who commands our attention. But behind that beast lies something with more substance that’s trying to get our attention.
I love your therapist posts, thanks Kim!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Donna. Always reflective and appreciated. I love passing along the wisdom my therapist shared with me and so many others. Makes me feel like he's still with us.
Re reading a second time... A time when I'm feeling not unhappy or sad but the it's like being on the edge of getting a cold. We just watched the episode of The Crown where Princess Diana dies... It was very triggering especially when Charles woke up William to tell him he mother was dead. I'm not sure if it is the approaching season and knowing I will not be with my kids or if it the stress of knowing we are making big yet to be determined changes this year. My heart feels weighted and I'm fearful of falling into the abyss of sadness.
Didn't mean to end that way... I hit the button thinking it would take me to the top to the comment "when we stop and embrace what scares us something is revealed...the vary marrow of our beingness...and that is where our true nature lives" I will have meditate on that for a while.
What a good way to describe it Natalie "like being on the edge of getting a cold." Hoping it doesn't progress, but also realizing you're likely going to succumb in the end and just hope the cold doesn't last too long and isn't too nasty.
p.s. I've avoided watching the last few seasons of the Crown, although I was a die-hard fan in those early years with the Queen. All those actresses that played her were brilliant. I definitely won't be able to watch this last season.
Sending love. xo
Hi Kim - As has been alluded to, Happiness and Joy are so complicated. Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama cowrote a book on exactly that. (I made a shot at summarizing some of their thoughts back in April if you're interested -https://markvanlaeys.substack.com/p/gleanings-from-fellow-travelers). We all have our ups and downs, but if I read you correctly you tend to hover more toward the latter.
I'm a retired physician assistant and would say that I generally recommended counselling for most of those with clinical depression. However, there was a subset of people for which no amount of counselling could break through their symptoms in an ongoing manner. It was in those people that judicious use of medications was frequently helpful. Even the best of counsellors can't correct a biochemical disorder, though they may help the patient manage acute flare-ups. I hate to see anyone suffer unnecessarily. If you haven't already, please consider seeing a trusted medical provider for their opinion after a relevant work-up. Best regards, and Happy Thanksgiving.
Hi Mark. I totally agree with your recommendations above re: counselling, medication, and definitely under doctor's care. So far, I have mostly written about my personal downs and what I've had to unlearn to work my way out of them, but stay tuned. I'm working on a series of essays and exploratory interviews regarding post-treatment and how that's lead to so many ups. :)
P.S. I've read most of your posts, but missed this one from April so thanks for sharing. I was literally just browsing books for potential Christmas gifts this morning and I saw this one and marked it as a possibility. Serendipity?
You're welcome, and no problem. I give you a lot of credit for sharing your personal struggles. You'll never know how many people you're supporting as they try to work through theirs. The comments directed your way are just the tip of the iceberg.
So powerful Kim. I bet Neil would be tickled at the thought that his "bits of wisdom" found their way on Substack ... inspiring this conversation. Underneath all the grief is our broken hearts, shattered dreams, and unmet needs. We can't outrun our so called demons. When we stop to face and embrace what scares us, something is revealed ... the very marrow of our beingness ... and that is where our true nature lives. More conversations like these please.
"When we stop to face and embrace what scares us, something is revealed ... the very marrow of our beingness." Love this. It's so true. I can't believe how long I clung to avoiding what scared me in the hopes it would all just go away.
Thanks for the encouragement to keep going! I'm sure Neil is smiling and giving the 'ol thumbs up sign. xo
I love this monthly feature, because in it Kim crystalizes decades of advice from a wise and beloved friend.
Great post, Kim. It's important for us to understand that we always have reasons for our feelings, even if we don't remember or understand them. 💜
This is such a wise (and necessary) letter; I especially appreciate you sharing how Princess Di's death made you understand that none of us are really safe. That realization, whenever and however you come to it, is a stunning blow.
I can't speak to the experience of clinical depression, which is obviously quite different from unhappiness. But isn't it interesting that accepting a bout of unhappiness is sometimes the first step to getting on the path to feeling ever-so-slightly better? I think it's because fighting what's true is a such a supreme source of misery.
Ugh. Fighting what's true. I did that for too long. I thought I could plan my way out of it. I'm guessing you might be able to relate to that. ;) If I have enough of a plan, nothing can go wrong. And if I just make it to here, I will be happy. But, as we all know, best laid plans...Although I have to say I love that our exploding plans have landed us here and connecting. :)
This one really resonates, Kim. Someone once told me that feelings are at once important and ephemeral, and that has really helped me navigate them.
I'm glad it resonated. I like the wisdom that was shared with you. Feelings are important and ephemeral. I do wish I had understood this when I was younger.
I love this feature of your newsletter. I had clinical depression. There’s a difference between being in a rut and having depression. I also had a woman Neil for many years. I still remember one line she said to me and follow it to this day. When I complained about my parents’ limited ability to show interest she said, Why don’t you take what you can get and be satisfied?
And how was your relationship with your parents after that one line nugget of wisdom? Neil said much the same when I was complaining about my mom. If that's all she's able to give you either accept it or don't. First option you have a relationship with her. Second option you don't Pick one. He was blunt. I decided to have the relationship and accept it for what it was and stop trying to change it/change her or expect something different. It was much better. And, thank-goodness I did. She died about three years later.
And thanks for the encouraging words on this feature. I honestly was wrestling with this the past couple of weeks. Who am I to be doing this? What the heck do I know? etc etc. All the things that run through your head when you start doubting. In the end, I decided it was my way of acknowledging a wonderful counsellor and honouring him and what he did for me. Doubts be damned!
Doubts be damned. You have your own wisdom mixed with years of Neil’s voice in your head. Every therapist should be like Neil. Proactive. Acceptance is key in all things really. And forgiveness.