Feeling Down and Out; Despite Having it All

What Would My Therapist Say? #3

This monthly advice column comes from me, but it’s all based on the wisdom given to me by the therapist I saw for decades, Neil. When my friends ask for advice, I usually draw on something Neil would say, and now I want to do that for you.

Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you. I look forward to answering them.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

I have been feeling down for a long time and I don’t know why. I have worked very hard, and I have everything I could want or need. A husband who loves me and two kids who are healthy and happy. I feel I am being ungrateful, and I have no right to feel this way. After all, I’m not sick with an incurable disease or in the middle of a war zone. I don’t have a bad or difficult life when I look around and see how it could be so much worse. What do I have to feel sad about when I have so much? What’s wrong with me?

Feeling Down and Out

What my therapist would say: Feelings are valid and relevant because you are feeling them. Why would your feelings be less important than anyone else’s?

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Neil’s secret weapon was his well-placed and well-timed questions. He would leave them hanging there in silence, while your wheels started to spin. Trying to think of a good answer and realizing the question is the answer.

If you have them, they are real and they are there for a reason. You are allowed to feel your feelings.

There is much to feel down and out about these days with what is happening in the world. Just because you think you are better off than others doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t have your own feelings. And you don’t want to disregard them.

Comparing your situation with others less fortunate, doesn’t negate your right to your feelings.

We will all experience the gamut of emotions in our lifetime—day in and day out. It doesn’t matter how well off we are or not.

You have taken the first step which is naming your feelings and acknowledging you have them. If you are realizing they are chronic and not simply fleeting, your job now is to discover why.

When I first went to see Neil some 25+ years ago, I was incredibly depressed. I just didn’t know it yet. I had a good job, loving husband, three great kids, generally all was good in my world. Yet, I wasn’t!!??

I was in my early 30’s and this feeling of being unhappy plagued me.

The feeling I shouldn’t be unhappy plagued me even more.

“What the hell was wrong with me? There are kids starving in Africa!!”

“That is sad. What the hell do you have to be sad about??” (I would berate myself, out loud, with those exact words.)

I tried to wish the feelings away and tell myself I just needed to get away for awhile.

I didn’t fully understand the word depression back then and I certainly wouldn’t have described myself that way. I would simply say ‘unhappy’ and be confused because I thought I was happy—or I should be. Shouldn’t I?

My ultimate spiral into full depression came in the summer of 1997 when Princess Diana died in a car crash leaving her two small sons behind. I was devastated. How could SHE die?! If she could die in a car accident, none of us were safe. (My thinking was not coherent. The idea of being ‘safe’ was shattered that day.)

She had it all. Then she died.

For whatever reason, this was my trigger into full sorrow, sadness, and depression. I cried for days. I didn’t want to get out of bed. It seemed silly. I berated myself more.

With all the conflict happening in the world right now, your feelings are understandable.

There is collective grief and confusion around the world at the moment. If you were already grappling with feeling down and out, the news has likely exacerbated those feelings.

I remember the root of my feelings were deeply locked inside of me. Neil reminded me I can’t run far enough, love deeply enough or achieve enough to make them go away.

“Other things may distract you for a short time, but at some point, you are going to have to face those feelings.” Neil Tubb

The longer you avoid them, the longer it will take to understand where they are coming from. The root cause.

However, you’ve taken the first step in helping yourself. You are naming them. I would suggest you reach out to your doctor and connect with a therapist if you haven’t already done so.

Speaking with a close friend or family member about how you are feeling is another good start.

I commend you for taking this courageous first step.

Thanks for sharing with us. I hope this helps.

Keep (un)learning. xo

KVB.

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