Love this, Kim. Back in my podcasting/pandemic days, I interviewed a divorce lawyer. She's wonderful. I completely believe in pre-nups because -- while I have no real, tangible assets -- I have a lot of intellectual property. I believe what's mine before the marriage is mine, what's yours is yours -- after that, it's ours unless predetermined by the prenup, or renegotiated after (does anyone wonder why I'm not married?). Anyway, we were talking about how money kills more marriages than anything else, and I was all, "Why don't people run credit check on each other before they walk down the aisle?" I mean, if you want to rent or buy a place together, the landlord/lender will. Why wouldn't you do that before you said "I do"? Nothing to hide then! She said she was going to start suggesting that to her clients. LOL. You have to know what you're getting into. And, yes, I would let the lights go out. And I would stay in a hotel until they went back on. I don't fix a problem once I warn you it's coming. xo
HA! I remember when we first met with a minister who was going to marry us. We were very young, early 20's. He told us we had to have a conversation about money and finances as that was one of the three top reasons for divorce. We thought it was funny at the time because neither of us had any money! So, in that sense, we were both on equal footing. But, even the thought of having alot of money when we were that age seemed far off. But, the minister was right!
We were talking at work the other day about what would we do if we won the lottery, and someone didn't have an answer. I'm like, "How do you not know?!" I've got current Zillow listings open in tabs, the financial advisors I'd call (brokers and fixed income), lawyers and trust names for them to set up, charities I'd create (all depending on the after-tax amount, but a plan for every level). I mean, you have to be prepared for all outcomes! LOL. Same for marriage. But, no matter how rich or poor we are, we are getting a housekeeper because those are fights not worth having, and you are going to put the seat AND lid down because it's both hygienic and egalitarian.❤️ xo
Just kidding. Two things: our car remembers how each of us sit, so moot point. Second, I have bigger fish to fry than to get irritated about car seat positioning. I save it for the real hills to die on, like whether the toilet paper should hang from the front or from the back of the roll.
I understand the whole toilet seat thing, because I know a guy who sat down on a toilet in the middle of the night when the lid and seat were up. Do that once and even the worst of the male species will lose about a third of his toxic masculinity.
Plus, the person who invented slow closing toilet seats deserves at least a Medal of Honor, because closing the things no longer sounds like a car wreck.
My Aussie Shepherd believes everything I believe I own is hers and she’ll protect it with all her might. I didn’t think about getting a pre-nup when she moved in.
Oooh. I'm sure there was a reference to this in the course (although it was so long ago now!) I'm going to have to go down the rabbit hole and find out for you. :) I vaguely remember something about finding an accountability partner--via a friend or family member you trust. (So, if you were single, or perhaps both free spirits), but I'm going to do some more digging and get back to you on that one.
P.S. I was a free spirit too, didn't like numbers or budgets, but because I was the one that worried more, I became the nerd by default. So, that might be your answer. Which free spirit worries about the finances more--especially when they are running low or non-existent? Anyhow, I'm still going down the rabbit hole on this one as now I'm curious too.
Hey Finnicky, thanks for asking this question. The issue about control hits home for sure and I love Neil's and your sage advice of how to deal with it.
I had a smile on my face throughout much of your post. First about the finances - how many couples have been there?
Secondly, recognizing the control issues that are driving conflict, in finances but also so many other marital issues. (Un) learning the part we play in enabling unhealthy behaviors seems spot on as well. Great, practical post. Thanks Kim.
That question literally stopped me cold. I will never forget it. I was complaining away about my husband and then BAM. Reality check by my therapist. He was really good with those juicy questions.
What I found most thought provoking was when my counselor asked me if I would ever treat someone the way I treat myself. Uhhh. She asked me if I would say the same things about other people that I said about myself. “You’re a person, too. At least try to be polite to yourself once in awhile.”
Great advice. Knowledge is power, especially with finances. And it's one of the few, if not only, important topics in a marriage that can be precisely measured.
Love this, Kim. Back in my podcasting/pandemic days, I interviewed a divorce lawyer. She's wonderful. I completely believe in pre-nups because -- while I have no real, tangible assets -- I have a lot of intellectual property. I believe what's mine before the marriage is mine, what's yours is yours -- after that, it's ours unless predetermined by the prenup, or renegotiated after (does anyone wonder why I'm not married?). Anyway, we were talking about how money kills more marriages than anything else, and I was all, "Why don't people run credit check on each other before they walk down the aisle?" I mean, if you want to rent or buy a place together, the landlord/lender will. Why wouldn't you do that before you said "I do"? Nothing to hide then! She said she was going to start suggesting that to her clients. LOL. You have to know what you're getting into. And, yes, I would let the lights go out. And I would stay in a hotel until they went back on. I don't fix a problem once I warn you it's coming. xo
HA! I remember when we first met with a minister who was going to marry us. We were very young, early 20's. He told us we had to have a conversation about money and finances as that was one of the three top reasons for divorce. We thought it was funny at the time because neither of us had any money! So, in that sense, we were both on equal footing. But, even the thought of having alot of money when we were that age seemed far off. But, the minister was right!
We were talking at work the other day about what would we do if we won the lottery, and someone didn't have an answer. I'm like, "How do you not know?!" I've got current Zillow listings open in tabs, the financial advisors I'd call (brokers and fixed income), lawyers and trust names for them to set up, charities I'd create (all depending on the after-tax amount, but a plan for every level). I mean, you have to be prepared for all outcomes! LOL. Same for marriage. But, no matter how rich or poor we are, we are getting a housekeeper because those are fights not worth having, and you are going to put the seat AND lid down because it's both hygienic and egalitarian.❤️ xo
If I’m supposed to put down the toilet seat, and I do, is my dearly beloved supposed to leave the car seat where I left it?
I never thought about the car seat. Good point.
Just kidding. Two things: our car remembers how each of us sit, so moot point. Second, I have bigger fish to fry than to get irritated about car seat positioning. I save it for the real hills to die on, like whether the toilet paper should hang from the front or from the back of the roll.
I understand the whole toilet seat thing, because I know a guy who sat down on a toilet in the middle of the night when the lid and seat were up. Do that once and even the worst of the male species will lose about a third of his toxic masculinity.
Plus, the person who invented slow closing toilet seats deserves at least a Medal of Honor, because closing the things no longer sounds like a car wreck.
My Aussie Shepherd believes everything I believe I own is hers and she’ll protect it with all her might. I didn’t think about getting a pre-nup when she moved in.
...and what if we’re both “free spirits” 🥶🫠
Oooh. I'm sure there was a reference to this in the course (although it was so long ago now!) I'm going to have to go down the rabbit hole and find out for you. :) I vaguely remember something about finding an accountability partner--via a friend or family member you trust. (So, if you were single, or perhaps both free spirits), but I'm going to do some more digging and get back to you on that one.
P.S. I was a free spirit too, didn't like numbers or budgets, but because I was the one that worried more, I became the nerd by default. So, that might be your answer. Which free spirit worries about the finances more--especially when they are running low or non-existent? Anyhow, I'm still going down the rabbit hole on this one as now I'm curious too.
Kim! You’re wonderful- I love this idea of the external accountability-buddy
Hey Finnicky, thanks for asking this question. The issue about control hits home for sure and I love Neil's and your sage advice of how to deal with it.
I had a smile on my face throughout much of your post. First about the finances - how many couples have been there?
Secondly, recognizing the control issues that are driving conflict, in finances but also so many other marital issues. (Un) learning the part we play in enabling unhealthy behaviors seems spot on as well. Great, practical post. Thanks Kim.
YNAB nerd over here who loves that second footnote. 🤓
“Would you let him?” is *such* a juicy question, and I’m so appreciative that you let us in on your family’s personal experience with it!
That question literally stopped me cold. I will never forget it. I was complaining away about my husband and then BAM. Reality check by my therapist. He was really good with those juicy questions.
That’s what good therapists do, isn’t it?
I was very new to therapy at this point so it seemed like magic to me.
What I found most thought provoking was when my counselor asked me if I would ever treat someone the way I treat myself. Uhhh. She asked me if I would say the same things about other people that I said about myself. “You’re a person, too. At least try to be polite to yourself once in awhile.”
He certainly was Kim .... right until the end!!! Love you xo Annie
Great advice. Knowledge is power, especially with finances. And it's one of the few, if not only, important topics in a marriage that can be precisely measured.
Oh natural consequences. It's tough when the lights go out! But, as Neil says, sometimes it needs to happen.