Finnicky with Finances; Hubby's a Spender

What Would My Therapist Say #2

This monthly advice column comes from me, but it’s all based on the wisdom given to me by the therapist I saw for decades, Neil. When my friends ask for advice, I usually draw on something Neil would say, and now I want to do that for you.

Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you. I look forward to answering them.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

I’m working through control issues in my life. One of my triggers is related to finances. If I can’t see a clear plan on how to handle our finances and upcoming bills, I get a lot of anxiety. My husband is more relaxed about finances which can be frustrating. Experience has shown me that there usually is a solution. How can I stop having so much anxiety around financial issues?

Finicky with Finances

Dear Finicky,

My therapist would say: It’s not about him, it’s about you.

I can relate! And so too can many other couples.

In pre-marital counselling, finances are one of the key topics couples are asked to talk about.

Why? Because it is one of the top issues that can lead to divorce. So, let’s dive into this juicy topic. 

You’ve identified two important issues – a need to control and a financial disconnect when it comes to managing finances. These can be tricky to navigate in a relationship. However, you are right. There is a solution.

We’ve all heard the saying, “opposites attract.” When it comes to money and finances in a relationship, one person is usually a saver and one a spender. Or as financial expert Dave Ramsey¹ puts it—a Nerd and a Free Spirit.

Sounds like this is the situation you find yourself in.

Nobody wants to be the Nerd, but that is you in this scenario. Your Free Spirit is doing his thing and you are doing yours. That’s ok, but how do you bridge the gap between the two?

My husband and I found ourselves in a similar boat. Twenty years ago, in my sessions with Neil, I complained about how my husband would go to Starbucks or Subway with our three kids almost EVERY day after school. This added up each month. (ka-ching, ka-ching, but not in a good way!)

I was working full-time, and trying to keep the lights on, and he didn’t seem to have a care in the world. I was frustrated. And my worry gene was in overdrive. Which meant my controlling gene was in the stratosphere.

In one of my sessions, when I said I was tired of having to “do it all”, including looking after our finances and bills, Neil asked me a simple question:

“Would you let him?”

Me: “WHAT? No way! He wouldn’t remember to pay the bills and the lights would go out.”

Neil: “Well, maybe the lights need to go out.”

Me: “We have kids! I can’t let that happen. What are you talking about?”

Neil: “How do you know he doesn’t care about the finances if you won’t let him?”

Deafening SILENCE… (let’s consider these the ‘light bulb’ moments.)

Me: “Oh.”

The reality was my need for control and believing he wouldn’t be able to do the job, was a big reason for the imbalance. I played my role, nerdy controller and he played his, free spirit spender.

I needed to (un)learn my controlling ways.

Easier said than done right? Especially when you’ve spent the last few decades honing your controlling skills.

The solution is two-fold. The homework from the Dave Ramsey course we took (aptly named “Financial Peace University”) was for both of us to sit together each month and do our bill paying TOGETHER. No exceptions. We had to find a time to do our budget and then each month work on the budget and pay the bills together. No excuses.

I learned how to give up some of the control, instead of assuming he “couldn’t” do it. Doing this exercise together, he saw how much money we had to spend, which curbed his daily spending habits. I felt better because I didn’t feel I was alone and ‘having to do it all.’

This reduced my anxiety ten-fold. We then were able to set goals together—realistic ones because we both understood where we were financially and how much we would have to save to achieve each goal.

Doing this exercise as part of a structured course took the pressure off both of us. It also took the emotion out of it.  Ramsey’s presentation is funny and lighthearted. No one feels like they are being called out. It’s just the facts—i.e. nerds and free spirits. He makes finances fun, which is a gift in itself!

There are many simple budget and money discussion resources available these days.² I would encourage you to find one that would suit you both so you can take on the finances together.

No exceptions. No excuses.

If for some reason he’s not into doing it together, prepare for the lights to go out one day. It may be the wakeup call your free spirit needs.  It won’t help your anxiety in the short term, but in the long term, it will bring you both to the table with a better understanding of what’s required.

Thanks for sharing your question with us. I hope this helps.

Keep (un)learning. xo

KVB.

If you haven’t already, please support this project of (un)learning by becoming a paid subscriber.

1. Dave Ramsey is the founder and CEO of the company Ramsey Solutions, where he’s helped people take control of their money and their lives since 1992. He’s also an eight-time national bestselling author, personal finance expert and host of The Ramsey Show.

2. We are currently exploring an app called YNAB, which is short for You Need A Budget.