Destruction, Creation, And Finding My Fire; The Rise Of Kali Energy

I’m waking up.

I’ve been in a sleep, a fog for almost three years. I’m coming back to myself.

It’s happened almost imperceptibly. There was no ‘big bang’ moment, just a slow, (very slow) recognition. A shimmer of light here, another there. And it’s getting brighter. I’m coming out of my wintering.

How do I know? How can I be sure?

There have been small hints. Tiny moments of realization—small sparks of my former self showing up in unexpected ways, reminding me who I am at my core.

Re-naming my newsletter was one of them. Going back almost two years and re-reading what I wrote, what I wanted and seeing that it matched my desires now.

I want to build a community of readers where some of the topics not only resonate, but can also be informative, thought provoking and hopefully a bit entertaining and funny. I love when it prompts reflections with others and readers share them with me.

I’ve never shied away from talking about subjects that might be uncomfortable or to ‘go deep’ with my friends. How else are we supposed to learn if we don’t talk about topics like money, sex, relationships, children, work, business, health stuff, (menopause anyone?)

I want to go there. I want to be direct. I want to feel a strong connection with people. I’m not good at doing ‘surface.’ I want to be real and I want people to be real with me.

I knew myself. I knew back then. I just couldn’t see it, as I had no confidence in myself or my thinking.

My intuition is coming back. My sense of self. My ability to make decisions. My fire-y side.

GODDESS OF REVOLUTION OR DESTRUCTION?

I was at a yoga workshop last weekend and we were encouraged to explore the various Goddesses of Yoga.¹ We were asked to review questions associated with each goddess, and determine which one best matched with us presently.

There were eleven of them on the page. Some sounded so lovely, dreamy really. I knew none of those gentler ones would be me. No, I am associated with Kali, the Goddess of Destruction and Creation. (Or ‘Revolution’ depending on where you look.)

Kali - Goddess of Revolution

Known for destruction of things that do not serve, the force that stops you in your tracks, the energy of birthing.

Why couldn’t I be more like Sita, the Goddess of Devotion and Mystical Submission? Or Lakshmi, Goddess of Abundance, Good Fortune and Grace? Or Saraswati, Goddess of Knowledge, Insight, Language and the Arts?²

No, I literally get the one that reminded me of Khaleesi, the Mother of Dragons in Game of Thrones.

Finding the Spark Again

In my old life, I spent too much time in battle mode. As a crisis management consultant and then as a CEO. On high alert. Solving one crisis and quickly moving to the next. My nervous system went to shit. And it’s never going to be able to sustain that kind of energy. Kali-type energy. Ever again.

I was afraid, the spark that made me so good at my job and efficient in life was gone for good.

It’s not, it’s just been in hibernation. In the meantime, I needed to learn how to be on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I had to learn equanimity. For that, I’ve turned to yoga. And gardening. Both are flowing together these days and it’s making my heart feel full again.

One of my yoga teachers starts her classes by having us curl up on our mats with our arms by our sides, “tuck yourself up like you are a tiny seed,” she says. We make our way into Child’s Pose or Balasana.

We start as this tiny seed and slowly bring our arms forward, stretching and reaching them out to the right, the centre and the left. Feeling our bodies begin to stretch from the inside out.

I’ve been a seed. In hibernation. And I’m waking up.

I want to be this guy. Most days, I start out like this guy.

I lost myself, my confidence, my ability to make any kind of decision. I didn’t know if I was ever going to come out of my stupor.

I can feel the spark. It’s coming.

While I’m striving for equanimity, I’m more like this, truth be told.

If you’ve lost the glint in your eye and wondering who you are, or want to be, I feel you.

I’m planting seeds, real ones, for my flower garden. Getting my hands dirty and preparing the soil, so my new little seedlings and shoots have the best chance to grow. Not unlike the inner work I’ve done over these last few years.

I’m back and ready to go to battle (figuratively speaking!) I don't know exactly where this spark will lead, but I know this: I'm awake, and I'm ready.

What say you? I’d love to hear from you.

1. Are you Khaleesi or the yoga guy, or somewhere in between?

2. If you’ve ever found yourself in a state of wintering, how did you know when you were coming out of it? Did it stick?

3. What are you doing these days to keep your spirits up?

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1. In yoga practice, goddesses represent various aspects of the divine feminine and human potential, offering a way to connect with specific energies and qualities. They are often invoked through meditation, mantras, and by embodying their characteristics in yoga poses.

2. The workshop was way too ‘woo woo’ for me, another sign I am waking up. a) I noticed and b) I was being a wee bit judgy. A sure sign I’m coming back to life. Albeit hopefully, not as judgy as I used to be! The yoga was great though and I did have fun exploring the different types of goddess energy.