Whoa, this person is dangerous. I echo what Donna said: these practical steps look helpful.
Depending on the extent of the person's infiltration, I might also suggest talking with a business attorney about what protections are available in the letter-writer's location. If this person is a controlling narcissist, that second-to-last stage in Kim's list can create a lot of havoc. With Kim's coaching and/or an attorney, it might be helpful to lay out a multi-step plan quietly before tipping off the guy that you are giving him the boot. Then have the credit card cancelled, password changed on his access, final check discontinuing his services (reviewed by an attorney), and possible letter out to clients about changes in contractor relationships all at the same time. Depending on the nature of the business, an online form or an email could invite clients to notify you through a special form if they have encountered anything that needs your attention that may not have come to your awareness yet since you changed your subcontractor relationships.
Narcissists are exhausting and confusing. You will land on your feet. Gather friends. You can do this.
Yes to all of the above Tara! The whole process is long and exhausting. And definitely includes lawyer and secret squirrel meetings, so as not to tip off the narcissist. Thanks for these important additions. It sounds like you may have had some experience with this. I hope not!
Well done Kim, I love how you laid this out in such specific steps. This info will help a lot of people move forward and not feel like it’s their fault.
Oh dear, what a headache... From my experience in the SMB space, this is where a fractional COO with HR experience can add value... they parachute in for a brief time, suss out the full story and put in place the ops infrastructure, process flows, and tech protocols so that you (and your staff) are protected from this happening again. Plus, it takes the stress out of the transition, because it can feel like a real betrayal when this happens... it's a grieving of a loss because you trusted this person. xo
The first thing I tell anyone starting a business is that no one should be smarter than you/know your business better. That means your bookkeeping, your social media, your website, any of it. If you need to learn it, learn it. You don't have to become an expert, just knowledgeable so no one can take advantage. And you never, ever give anyone the master password to your domain or website; setup/pay for that yourself. They can be sitting beside you when you do it if you need that help (but then change the password). There are ways to set up users, even admins, but no one gets that master access. I've also been the one trusted with that information, and I would be sure to show what I'd done/how to do it/leave notes or instructions so I couldn't be accused of anything untoward. This is a horrible situation for Making Waves. (Can you tell I'm a little furious on their behalf?) I'd start with contacting the company the domain was purchased from and who hosts the site and let them know the what's going on (this isn't unique, sadly), then everything you said, Kim: change passwords, cancel cards. Mainly, get that control back so Making Waves doesn't have to walk away from what's been created/paid for unnecessarily. Then, I'd sit that person down with myself and an attorney to go over the legalities and breaches, and make them hand over everything before they are terminated, signing an agreement that everything has been handed over and no further usage of that access will be done. That would be money worth spending, IMO. And always always always have a written agreement with contractors (I usually drafted my own as a contractor because so many people weren't there yet, which is fine), and outline everything from when payments will be made to terminating the relationship and everything in between (and for web/social media people to never to change the email or anything without written permission), then you have legs to stand on. It's like a pre-nup: no one wants one until they need one...and, by then, it's usually too late. And that's why God invented the post-nup, so if you don't have agreements with your contractors/vendors, now's the time!!! LOL. Great advice, Kim. xo
And this is why I love you Sandra!! I love your furiousness on this person's behalf. Oftentimes when we're in the thick of this stuff, it's such a shock to our system and we're operating with enough fear and confusion it's hard to be furious--with the other person or even ourselves. As opposed to just praying they go away and leave you alone. (Not a recommended strategy ;)
You have a high bar to pass when it comes to running a business! I don't know that I would ever become well versed enough to do my own IT, or have enough knowledge to understand it. Yuck, it makes my eyes glaze over--even though I know how important it is. Luckily, when I had my company, I had a very well respected and trusted IT guy. He did this for many small and medium sized businesses in my city and beyond. I always joked with him about the insider knowledge he had on every one and how hard up we'd all be if he got hit by a bus. Likely not the best business strategy in hindsight, but luckily for me (and the rest of us) it all worked out.
Love you back, Kim. For the record, I have an inherent distrust of web people (sorry, web people!!!), because, waaaaay back in the day, I knew a few of them, and they would always build a backdoor in case they didn't get paid (this is when you had to code; there weren't templates and Squarespace and the like), or would put the URL in their name (sneaky, people didn't know the value of that back then and didn't check). Smart! But all of that makes we wary. I've always been the person who had to solve the problem, so I tend to shadow the person fixing it, or have them explain to me what they did, so I could try my hand at it before calling them again (most of them appreciated that for a simple fix, and then I could explain bigger problems to them better). If you don't know or aren't comfortable, ask questions. Let them know they aren't blindly trusted and that you're curious (fake it if you have to). On the other hand, I do have vendors I would trust with keys to my home to do all the work unsupervised and unquestioned. They are few and far between, and I value them. But they also know I would bring hellfire if I were betrayed. LOL. There's a balance (and there are a lot of good people out there doing good work; not everyone is an untrustworthy, narcissistic villain). But all the people I know who were embezzled from never looked at a statement (it was beneath them or "too confusing") and would zone out during meetings. Fake it. Let people know you're looking at it/paying attention. That's usually enough to scare them straight/move on to a mark who's not. xo
Oooooh man, this one is a tough one though. Having someone who holds so much control in your affairs is a delicate rope to balance on! It's your livelihood! I don't know if your posts are hypothetical or not (it's my first time here) but this one sounds kind of scary.
And nope. The questions and posts in this feature aren’t hypothetical. So yes, situation scary. But luckily, overcome-able. I’m also a business coach and mentor and this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this type of thing. It’s more common than you think.
It's funny, as I read it I couldn't not think of myself. I do virtual assistance for Substackers and for a brief moment I thought about how much control that gives me over their publications! I hope none of them read this 😂
Right? I only ever really thought of them in relation to a romantic relationship before, but they are active and destructive in all parts of our lives when we come across them.
Scary stuff when the guy has such a stronghold. Hindsight is 20/20 but in retrospect pulling allies aside and diplomatically asking the right questions might have been helpful early on. We're all potentially vulnerable to strategically minded creeps.
Whoa, this person is dangerous. I echo what Donna said: these practical steps look helpful.
Depending on the extent of the person's infiltration, I might also suggest talking with a business attorney about what protections are available in the letter-writer's location. If this person is a controlling narcissist, that second-to-last stage in Kim's list can create a lot of havoc. With Kim's coaching and/or an attorney, it might be helpful to lay out a multi-step plan quietly before tipping off the guy that you are giving him the boot. Then have the credit card cancelled, password changed on his access, final check discontinuing his services (reviewed by an attorney), and possible letter out to clients about changes in contractor relationships all at the same time. Depending on the nature of the business, an online form or an email could invite clients to notify you through a special form if they have encountered anything that needs your attention that may not have come to your awareness yet since you changed your subcontractor relationships.
Narcissists are exhausting and confusing. You will land on your feet. Gather friends. You can do this.
Yes to all of the above Tara! The whole process is long and exhausting. And definitely includes lawyer and secret squirrel meetings, so as not to tip off the narcissist. Thanks for these important additions. It sounds like you may have had some experience with this. I hope not!
More than I’d prefer. Having 100% allies reminding you of your sanity is key. 💕💕
Trusting that we know something isn’t right, then acting on is the hard part - at first it seems small until it isn’t - good reminder Kim!
Well done Kim, I love how you laid this out in such specific steps. This info will help a lot of people move forward and not feel like it’s their fault.
Thanks Donna.
Oh dear, what a headache... From my experience in the SMB space, this is where a fractional COO with HR experience can add value... they parachute in for a brief time, suss out the full story and put in place the ops infrastructure, process flows, and tech protocols so that you (and your staff) are protected from this happening again. Plus, it takes the stress out of the transition, because it can feel like a real betrayal when this happens... it's a grieving of a loss because you trusted this person. xo
The first thing I tell anyone starting a business is that no one should be smarter than you/know your business better. That means your bookkeeping, your social media, your website, any of it. If you need to learn it, learn it. You don't have to become an expert, just knowledgeable so no one can take advantage. And you never, ever give anyone the master password to your domain or website; setup/pay for that yourself. They can be sitting beside you when you do it if you need that help (but then change the password). There are ways to set up users, even admins, but no one gets that master access. I've also been the one trusted with that information, and I would be sure to show what I'd done/how to do it/leave notes or instructions so I couldn't be accused of anything untoward. This is a horrible situation for Making Waves. (Can you tell I'm a little furious on their behalf?) I'd start with contacting the company the domain was purchased from and who hosts the site and let them know the what's going on (this isn't unique, sadly), then everything you said, Kim: change passwords, cancel cards. Mainly, get that control back so Making Waves doesn't have to walk away from what's been created/paid for unnecessarily. Then, I'd sit that person down with myself and an attorney to go over the legalities and breaches, and make them hand over everything before they are terminated, signing an agreement that everything has been handed over and no further usage of that access will be done. That would be money worth spending, IMO. And always always always have a written agreement with contractors (I usually drafted my own as a contractor because so many people weren't there yet, which is fine), and outline everything from when payments will be made to terminating the relationship and everything in between (and for web/social media people to never to change the email or anything without written permission), then you have legs to stand on. It's like a pre-nup: no one wants one until they need one...and, by then, it's usually too late. And that's why God invented the post-nup, so if you don't have agreements with your contractors/vendors, now's the time!!! LOL. Great advice, Kim. xo
And this is why I love you Sandra!! I love your furiousness on this person's behalf. Oftentimes when we're in the thick of this stuff, it's such a shock to our system and we're operating with enough fear and confusion it's hard to be furious--with the other person or even ourselves. As opposed to just praying they go away and leave you alone. (Not a recommended strategy ;)
You have a high bar to pass when it comes to running a business! I don't know that I would ever become well versed enough to do my own IT, or have enough knowledge to understand it. Yuck, it makes my eyes glaze over--even though I know how important it is. Luckily, when I had my company, I had a very well respected and trusted IT guy. He did this for many small and medium sized businesses in my city and beyond. I always joked with him about the insider knowledge he had on every one and how hard up we'd all be if he got hit by a bus. Likely not the best business strategy in hindsight, but luckily for me (and the rest of us) it all worked out.
Love you back, Kim. For the record, I have an inherent distrust of web people (sorry, web people!!!), because, waaaaay back in the day, I knew a few of them, and they would always build a backdoor in case they didn't get paid (this is when you had to code; there weren't templates and Squarespace and the like), or would put the URL in their name (sneaky, people didn't know the value of that back then and didn't check). Smart! But all of that makes we wary. I've always been the person who had to solve the problem, so I tend to shadow the person fixing it, or have them explain to me what they did, so I could try my hand at it before calling them again (most of them appreciated that for a simple fix, and then I could explain bigger problems to them better). If you don't know or aren't comfortable, ask questions. Let them know they aren't blindly trusted and that you're curious (fake it if you have to). On the other hand, I do have vendors I would trust with keys to my home to do all the work unsupervised and unquestioned. They are few and far between, and I value them. But they also know I would bring hellfire if I were betrayed. LOL. There's a balance (and there are a lot of good people out there doing good work; not everyone is an untrustworthy, narcissistic villain). But all the people I know who were embezzled from never looked at a statement (it was beneath them or "too confusing") and would zone out during meetings. Fake it. Let people know you're looking at it/paying attention. That's usually enough to scare them straight/move on to a mark who's not. xo
Oooooh man, this one is a tough one though. Having someone who holds so much control in your affairs is a delicate rope to balance on! It's your livelihood! I don't know if your posts are hypothetical or not (it's my first time here) but this one sounds kind of scary.
Hi Kristi. Thanks for being here.
And nope. The questions and posts in this feature aren’t hypothetical. So yes, situation scary. But luckily, overcome-able. I’m also a business coach and mentor and this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this type of thing. It’s more common than you think.
It's funny, as I read it I couldn't not think of myself. I do virtual assistance for Substackers and for a brief moment I thought about how much control that gives me over their publications! I hope none of them read this 😂
Great advice. Narcissists are not only dangerous in romantic/familial relationships, but in business relationships too!
Right? I only ever really thought of them in relation to a romantic relationship before, but they are active and destructive in all parts of our lives when we come across them.
Well, Trump is a perfect example...
Scary stuff when the guy has such a stronghold. Hindsight is 20/20 but in retrospect pulling allies aside and diplomatically asking the right questions might have been helpful early on. We're all potentially vulnerable to strategically minded creeps.