Stuck in the Middle; Adult Children Rivalry

What Would My Therapist Say? #5

This monthly advice column comes from me, but it’s all based on the wisdom given to me by the therapist I saw for decades, Neil. When my friends ask for advice, I usually draw on something Neil would say, and now I want to do that for you.

Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you. I look forward to answering them.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

I am a mom to two grown daughters. They are both brilliant and beautiful. Each are married and have a family of their own. Several years ago, a rift occurred when one of my daughters was blunt about what she thought of her sister’s choice in a mate. The man her sister would go on to marry. She wasn’t the only one to voice her concern, but she was more direct with her word choice.

The rift between the two sisters has now become a full-on rupture. They don’t interact or speak, and I often feel pulled between the two. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle, but it is where I find myself.

I always dreamed my family would be close and remain close as we got older. I hoped my daughters would form an inseparable bond, which would help them through life and rearing children together. It hasn’t turned out that way. How can I help them find a way back to each other? 

Stuck in the Middle

What my therapist would say: What can you do about something you can’t do anything about. (This was his go to with me whenever I found myself trying to change reality, or bend it to my will!)

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Dear Stuck in the Middle,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you cannot. They have to find their way back to each other IF that’s what they want. They are adults with families of their own. There is absolutely no way you can change or control who they decide to confide in or be close to. If it’s not each other, you can be sure it’s someone. If you are that person for both and feeling stuck in the middle, then you need to set your own boundaries.

This is the best way for you to help them begin communicating. Get out of the middle!

Or as Neil would say, ‘get out of your own way.’

If you find they are trying to communicate through you, then make it clear, you are not the funnel. If they have something to say to each other, let them know you will no longer be the carrier pigeon of messages—subtle or direct.

I recognize this is difficult to do. As a mom, you want to be there for your children—even when they are adults. But, this is the key word. They are adults. They get to decide.

You get to love each of them for who they are. Listen to each of them, offer encouraging words and share your wisdom if they ask. But don’t take sides, or force something that isn’t there.

Also, speaking from experience, it would only be a disaster if they did come together and everyone was faking it, for the ‘sake of the family.’

How many awkward encounters have we all suffered through because we’ve been forced to be with people we don’t like very much—even if they’re family?

I’m not saying you can’t ever get together as a family again, but it sounds like for now, your daughters need some space and time. Give it to them.

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I was an only child for the better part of my life and then had a step-brother. We were never close, and it was a forced ‘instant’ family for both of us. We couldn’t stand each other when we were younger, then as we got older, we simply went our different ways, building our lives. We didn’t dislike each other, we just didn’t make a point of getting together.

It hasn’t been until much later, as our kids have gotten older, where we have forged a more personal relationship.

We have a shared history and it’s comforting to know he is the only other person on the planet that can understand what it was like growing up in our house. So, in mid- life, we’ve found each other and have been able to talk in a way we can’t with anyone else. I value our time together and our conversations. I often wish we could have more time together to talk.

If you have siblings, think of your relationship with them. Are you close now? Were you ever? What about your husband and his siblings? I think these relationships are like any other, sometimes you get along, sometimes you don’t, but you will always have a back story with each other—wether it’s good, or complicated.

When we get married and start a family of our own, they become our priority. Our family of origin moves into a different category. It’s not rejection, it’s just life.

Perhaps when your daughters are finished raising kids they may have more time and be more inclined to re-engage with each other.

Or, as you and your husband get older, this may be the catalyst for them to reconnect.

It’s often when our parents are elderly and start needing our help, that siblings start talking to each other again, whether they want to or not.

Either way, they will have to sort it out for themselves.

Love each of them for the unique person they are. Don’t force a relationship where none exists now. One day it might, but if it does, it will be on their own terms, not yours.

Thank you for sharing. You have named something that many of us have to deal with—as parents and as siblings. I hope this helps give you some perspective.

Keep (un)Learning. KVB. Xo

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