Confused and Hurting; In-Law Love or Lost?

What Would My Therapist Say? #4

This monthly advice column comes from me, but it’s all based on the wisdom given to me by the therapist I saw for decades, Neil. When my friends ask for advice, I usually draw on something Neil would say, and now I want to do that for you.

Please submit your questions anonymously here. Be creative with your sign off if you are so inclined. If not, I’ll happily figure one out for you. I look forward to answering them.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

With the holiday’s coming up, I am getting anxious about getting together with my husband’s family. I am having trouble with my brother-in-law. He really doesn’t seem to like me very much and it’s upsetting to me whenever we get together as a family. I like him and think he’s quite interesting, so I try to engage in conversation with him, but he appears to just tolerate me whenever I’m around. It’s awkward and really bothers me. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he looks at me like I’m an alien. What can I do to change the relationship dynamics?

Confused and Hurting

What my therapist would say: What can you do about something you can’t do anything about?

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Dear Confused and Hurting,

I can think of so many Neil-isms right now about this situation, but let’s go with that one for now. (A close second: Get out of his head. You have no idea what he’s thinking.)

Perhaps your brother-in-law is indifferent, but ask yourself why this bothers you so much. Do you need him to like you? Does it matter if he does or doesn’t?

If he doesn’t, what is there you can do about it anyways?

You can turn yourself into a pretzel trying to figure it out, but I wouldn’t bother. (Been there, done that.)

Be yourself.

As long as you like you and treat him as you would want to be treated, that’s all you can do.

It’s up to you how much you interact with your brother-in-law, if at all. If he is actively being aggressive or abusive towards you, then you can decide to set a boundary for yourself.

But, if it’s less noticeable and harder to tell what is happening, I can understand it can be frustrating. Our intuition, or ‘gut feeling’ can be helpful in many cases, but in this situation, I would suggest you go with what you know. And that’s you.

Your reactions are the only thing you can control. You can escalate or de-escalate the situation as you see fit (and in this case, I’d argue for ‘moving right along, nothing to see here.’) So, in this case, de-escalate.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone in your husband’s family. They don’t have to like you. No one has to like you. Of course it would be wonderful if we only ever felt love and kindness. But, the reality is different.

I don’t like everyone I meet. In fact, sometimes I think they are complete assholes.

However, over these last two years I realized I don’t need people to like me. Especially people I don’t know or don’t care about. And especially the assholes. (Oy vay, the amount of time and energy I spent trying to get asshole people to like me.)

Know this. The people you really care about already value you, and they are the important ones.

Wish the others well and hope they have a nice day. That’s all.

Of course, I haven’t asked you what your husband might have to say about all of this, but if your brother-in-law was being openly aggressive or rude I would hope he would intervene and let his brother know his behaviour towards you isn’t appropriate.

It sounds, by what you are describing, it’s more subtle than overt.

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One of my biggest unlearning’s revolved around reacting. I had to learn how to respond as opposed to react—my natural tendency is (was?) to react.

I was trigger happy when it came to my reactions. And boy, could I react. Look out if you were in my target zone. Especially if I saw something as unjust or unfair. I cringe to think about it.

Back to your brother-in-law. How often do you see him? Once or twice a year? Or maybe even less? Ask yourself again why it matters to you so much that this one person likes you.

Could it be about control? For you, I mean. Do you feel the need to be in control in these situations and in this case you can’t be?

Get curious. (But wait until after dinner when you get home! :) And if you don’t journal, start. It’s a great tool for relieving some of the stress you may feel.

In group sessions with Neil back in the day, we would always conclude with the Serenity Prayer. Standing in a circle, holding hands we’d repeat together.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Many of us are facing someone around a table this holiday season who may not be our cup of tea, but let’s all grant each other some grace and space.

Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable enough to name what you are feeling.

Keep (un)Learning. KVB. Xo

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