Growing and Worried; Because He's Not

What Would My Therapist Say? #1

This monthly advice column comes from me, but it’s all based on the wisdom given to me by the therapist I saw for decades, Neil. When my friends ask for advice, I usually draw on something Neil would say, and now I want to do that for you.

Please submit your questions by replying to this email. If you prefer to be anonymous, just note that. I look forward to answering them.

Dear Armchair Therapist,

I’ve been seeing a counsellor who has helped me learn so much about myself. My husband isn’t interested in receiving counseling and I’m worried that if I keep going, and continue to grow and change, and he doesn’t, we will grow apart. Do you have any advice for me?

Growing and Worried

Dear Growing,

My therapist would say: Keep coming back, it works.

First, congratulations on seeking out a counsellor. It’s something I highly recommend, especially if you are struggling with feelings or situations that have you perplexed or unsure.

Often seeing a counsellor can be threatening for our partners or families. Especially at first.

When we set boundaries for the first time, it can create some friction or pushback. I would encourage you to continue, despite any negative feedback you may be receiving.

After all, you are doing this for you. And you are allowed to look after yourself.

You can’t force anyone into counselling who is not ready for it. However, you can share with them how you are feeling and what you are noticing about yourself, the more you come to understand what took you to the counsellor in the first place.

Ask them to join you, or even go on their own.

Whether they choose to go or not, don’t worry. It is their choice. It is not a reflection on you or your relationship.

My experience has shown me, as you begin to model new behaviours, they pick up on these and often see the difference in a positive way over time. Whether it’s because you are responding differently to situations, or your energy starts to shift, your partner or family will begin to recognize the changes and growth.

I’ve noticed there are usually three stages our partners or families move through:

1)    Resistance – Why are you doing this? You are fine. We don’t have the money. (Or my favourite), why talk to a stranger, you can just talk to me, it’s cheaper.

2)    Curious – what did you talk about today? Did you talk about me? What did the counsellor say about xx or yy? This is your invitation to share what you are learning. Although, don't feel you have to repeat everything word for word, go high level.

3)    Acceptance – This could take time, be patient. Your ongoing growth and development will become second nature. It will likely lead others in your family or friend group to seek counselling.

Either way, if your partner goes to counselling or not, you’ll be surprised. It’s as if they learn by osmosis. They see the positive changes in you and decide for themselves to seek out counselling or begin to pick up on what you’ve modelled. 

Most importantly, you are looking after yourself, and ultimately this will reflect on all relationships in your life. In a good way.

Keep (un)learning,

KVB xo

Up next week:

THE EMPRESS

answers The Big Question: “What is the biggest thing you’ve had to (un)learn in your life?”

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