What’s most important to me now is how I’m being in the world. It’s allowing my body to rest and my nervous system to re-set. That is my job. That is what I am doing. And it’s important work.
Way back in the day, when someone would ask me what I did, I'd ask if they had heard of Heidi Fleiss. If they said yes, I'd lean in and say, "I took over for her." This was LA; everyone had heard of her. And either they believed me or they knew I didn't want to talk about it. Either way, the subject was changed. LOL. I've also told people I'm in witness protection when I didn't want my photo taken at events. That works when a no won't. xo
I wish I had your knack for sass!! I can just imagine the looks you must've gotten. I need to have a funny comeback. You and Switter are ruling the day on the snappy response front.
Now that’s the way to do it. Embarrass them. In Nevada, one could always say they are employed at the Mustang Ranch part of the year to earn money for medical school.
When people ask me what I did for a living, I stopped telling them that I was a humanitarian aid worker, because of either the “thank you for your service,” or even worse, “such a noble and selfless calling” while I’m thinking how lucky I was to avoid the 9-5 cubicle life as an insurance actuarial and instead, got to run around in some trackless jungle or desert, ducking whatever angry projectile was aimed in my direction, seeing the places even adventure travelers avoid, and getting paid to do it. So when asked, I now answer their question by telling them I spent my life teaching poor people to wash their hands after they go poo.
Sometimes, when I’m in an expansive mood, I tell them I am a fiction writer (funding proposals), make millions of dollars each year (in grant funding) and donate it all to the poor in developing countries. Then I ask them if they’ve ever read any of my work. It’s amazing how many people say yes, since of course everyone has read all the books that earn millions of dollars.
Don’t get me started. Hand washers are a dying breed. From time to time, I do make rude comments, like “do you really think I want to pull that door open after you touched it with the same hands you just now used to wipe your ass and neglected to wash?”
I did learn through scientific experimentation that the conscientious folk keep the slaggards from starting cholera outbreaks. During a college biology lab, we were assigned to take samples from the filthiest places we could think of and then culture the swabs. I chose the door pull on a busy men’s bog for a sample and the sole on my shoe after standing in front of a urinal.
After a day or so, the shoe sample erupted into a magnificent broccoli-like growth of pestilence and disease. The door handle sample was sterile. Nothing grew. Why, I thought, when so many are so careless? Then I realized that enough people wash their hands with the anti-filth soap that a killing residue is left on the surfaces they touch. Never in the history of filth have so few, using so little, managed to save so many, although a good herd culling might have some beneficial advantages.
LOL. I think it's shoes and cellphones that have the most gunk. I am a NOVID (and I plan to stay that way). I am a mask-wearing hand-washer. BUT before COVID, I was a hand-washer. I never get the flu shot (bad reaction to one 30 years ago), and don't get the flu (even when my old bosses who got the flu shot both got the flu)...because I wash my gawddamn hand! Conversely, you can pump me full of whatever they've got to stave off COVID (every vaccine and booster in me...still won't get the flu shot, though). I bringing sexy mask, and anyone who gives me the side-eye for wearing it gets the death glare from me. And a secret spell. Called karma. I'm not going to let a few bumblef*cks ruin my health, thankyouverymuch. Hygiene is not hard. Don't even get me started on full-body deodorants. TAKE AN EFFING SHOWER AND WASH YOUR PARTS, PEOPLE! It's super basic. Your parents failed you. xo
Also computer keyboards, and what’s with the phlegm and other unidentifiable glop on computer screens?
During my travels, I took to carrying small bottles of Purell, especially in regions where religious duty requires rinsing the five members of the body several times per day, or where it was cheaper to use the local currency that to buy bog roll.
I had a brief friendship with a French guy that ended badly because of these matters. All I did was mention that if his people went ahead and installed full showers instead of trying to save a little money by installing only a bidet, they could more than cover the extra cost for the shower because they wouldn’t need to spend so much on cologne and perfume.
Well, then again, by skipping showers, they have time to take to the streets to protest. I admire that. Wouldn't necessarily want to be in the crowd, though -- not a fan of crowds in general. (BTW, For those who aren't familiar, this is sarcasm and comedy. If you aren't getting it, please don't crash the party. Cheers!) xo
That question bothered me more in my former career as a pastor. Partly because I never knew if the reaction to my answer would be a lecture about why women aren’t supposed to be pastors. And partly because it was hard to convince people that things like doing the research necessary to write sermons, visiting members, and going to church events counted as work or took enough time to justify a salaried position with benefits.
It also bothered me when I was no longer a pastor but still trying to get (or stay in) other FT jobs. The ones I got paid low hourly wages and I was ashamed to admit how far I’d fallen.
But now I’m thrilled to answer that I’m a freelance writer and be asked what I write about. It’s a great opportunity to promote work I’m proud of!
It does bug me when the phrase “earn a living” is used, though. I don’t think anyone should have to earn the right to live (or to have food and shelter)!
Like you, I’m not making a living as a writer yet, but I’m making a LIFE that reflects my values instead of society’s. And that’s so much better than the one I had before, even though I have a lot less money.
Being a pastor is gruelling work. Our pastor from our old church has become a good friend. I watched as a congregation gathered and turned on him and have been told that's quite common in churches. Especially if the pastor is confronted with having to uphold Christ's teachings when certain flock members would prefer he'd turn the other way. We just started going back to church after years of being away. A little old Anglican church by the ocean and also where we got married almost 36 years ago. The pastor is a woman and she's shared some interesting stories! I guess being a woman in any workplace where it's typically seen as a man's role is going to be an uphill battle.
I love how you've described making a life that reflects your own values instead of society's. Something we should all be striving for! Thanks Wendi.
Yes, my husband and I were co-pastors of a congregation with leaders who turned on us because they didn’t want to hear that Jesus commands his followers to love everyone and reject violence (among other things).
Even though I’ve had a career as a photographer, I’ve never felt comfortable saying “I’m a photographer.” And when that transitioned into a film career, I never felt comfortable saying “I’m a filmmaker.” It’s too certain, too much of a claim on my identity. Instead I’ll just say, “I take pictures, make films, produce content for the chronic illness community” or whatever happens to be the flavor du jour. Maybe this is a symptom of my watery nature or decades of not really having a grasp of my foundational identity to build anything else upon it, but it certainly has been a funny question to answer directly. Keep ‘em guessing Kim!
This is AWESOME Emma. I’m so happy it’s inspired you in this way. As writers this is our one true hope. That what we write has an impact with someone. You just made my week!! I’ll be watching for your newsletter! Tag me when you do hit publish so I don’t miss it. Look forward to reading.
1. Trying to educate people about Israel due to the barrage of lies.
2. I’m actually thrilled when someone asks what I do. They are a potential subscriber. I gave my biz card to the Clear rep at the airport the other day.
3. Love. Know that love wins, that love is an actually energy.
I saw your note about handing out business cards for your newsletter. I actually thought of you when the guy was asking all those questions. I wish I could just hand him a card like Carissa. If he did find me online and subscribe I hope he reads this with the good intention I created it with. 🤔
I like to read Eve Barlow as part of my education on Israel. She’s passionate and pissed and writes so plainly about the larger implications which I wish everyone could understand (and read!)
Sending love to you and yours. Appreciate you my friend.
Your Substack is wonderful and a unique opportunity for strangers, whether they’re a plumber, HVAC dude or installing blinds, to learn something new about themselves, others and the world. If it’s not for them they can just unsubscribe.
Glad you subscribe to Eve. The Future of Jewish is another great Substack but I have to pick and choose based on headlines. He sometimes posts twice a day!
An object lesson on being important: fill a five gallon bucket with water, insert your irreplaceable hand and arm into the water all the way to the bottom. Quickly remove your hand from the water. The impression you leave in the water is a metaphor of your importance in the workplace.
During my first few years of living in Africa, for some reason I never learned, KLM provided free business class upgrades for people of my ilk, we professional do-gooders. It was an unholy gift because it slightly readjusted my thinking. I am this thing, deserving of special attention. At some point, the perk ended and I sat in misery with the masses. My self importance withered away rather quickly.
Years later, after my career crashed and burned, I spent days on end with a pillow over my face and on those rare days when I managed to go out, I spent them sorting nuts, bolts, and washers on the floor of my garage. It was what I did for a living.
As I emerged from that darkness, I occasionally traveled to Alberta where my son attended university. On returning home once, an especially irksome INS officer became overly interested in my livelihood.
“I’m retired,” I lied.
“Retired from what?” he pressed .
“Retired from hell on earth where nothing can protect me from unseeing and unknowing what I experienced and dream about every night,” I patiently but pointedly explained.
“Were you in the military,” he asked, not knowing other people also experience war. “What do you do for a living now?”
“I sometimes watched babies die because the adults in charge couldn’t be bothered to make peace. Sometimes I held those babies when they died. And then I wrote about it, because it was the only thing I could do to keep their tiny scraps of humanity from disappearing forever. Maybe I am a writer or maybe I make grave markers from words.”
He finally seemed either satisfied or bored, because he waved me on.
I have no occupation. I only live in the world and try to make sense of it these days. I live for a living.
Relating so hard to this, I just might turn into a fossil. If lolling about my living room writing rom-coms in jammies that do mid-list sales defines me... hmmm... I don't want to be important??? xo
Trust me. You are really important. Where would we be without rom-com's??
Hey, here's a n idea. Maybe one of your characters can be very full of self importance and she's flying First Class and not wanting to mix with the riff/raff in economy, even if one of them is her dear friend. As long as she's in First Class all is good with the world. **this didn't happen in real life** 🙄
I’m visiting family right now, and was at a fancy DC event last night where I had to answer this question three times. Can I tell you about the sheer panic that crossed my face as I calculated the answer that’d get the spotlight off me ASAP? Needed to read this one today!
PS: I’ve driven through Kamloops a few times on my way to the Canadian Rockies, and it’s delightful to know it’s your hometown.
Oy. Squirming alongside you, just thinking about that nightmare scenario. Hang in there Maddie. I like Switter's answer above (or below?) "I live for a living." Wouldn't it be fun to watch people's reactions to that answer?😜
Yes to being rather than doing. What I do does not define me. Who I am (to be) does a better job of that. I do what I do because of who I am. How rare would it be to meet someone for the first time and the question was not "What do you do?" but rather, "Who are you?" Here's an old post from another place in 2016 that maybe I should dust off, revise and update. Thanks.
I like the idea of getting to the essence of a person. How much richer we would all be if we could just be honest with one another and not have to put on airs or masks. Hiding behind what we "do" as if the answer would make any difference to how that person receives us.
"getting to the essence of a person" whether ourselves or another is a gift to be given and received, one to the other. If you want to know who people are, listen to what they say about others. And see where people invest time and energy according to what they believe - values and behaviors. That is revealing!
Do you think it changes the way people receive us depending on our answer j.e.? Or is it like the everyday greeting, "how are you?" where no one really cares about what your response is?
It depends on who’s asking & why. I’ve come to learn that what others think of me is none of my business & I don’t allow them to live in my head rent-free.
As these things often go I finally got to this excellent essay at EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME (sorry for the shouty words Kim!). I need this reminder because life has become too full of I-don't-know-what and all-the-dumb-details are sapping my inner strength and not allowing me to BE. Your word snuck into my heart to ignite the spark I needed to draw inward. Thank you❤
Glad to have discovered you through @csteefel’s piece. You echo so many of my thoughts on this subject! I find that the slightly irreverent “what do you do?” is the only way most people know how to begin (and therefore end) every conversation. It can be particularly triggering for those of us whose “job” doesn’t quite explain what we do with our time in exchange for money. I’ve written about my experience of handling this question (and also “being vs. becoming a writer”), and why it is the reason for me to avoid social gatherings! I’d love to know your thoughts if you get around to reading it :)
Richa!! I loved your post on this subject. We've felt much the same way. Thanks for your comment and sharing. I'm curious to know more about those naps! What the heck?! Is that because it was too hot in the afternoons? Like the siesta in some cultures?
Thank you, Kim, for reading my post! I'm delighted to have found a kindred spirit. Maybe one day, several years later, people will finally realise how inappropriate (and triggering!) it is to ask every new person, "So, what do you do?".
About the naps, yes, it does get terribly hot in Delhi (India) in the summer, but I never cared for that as a child. In fact, it was delightful to be out and about while most people were indoors.
I've thought a lot about the balance between self-identify and external validation, particularly when transitioning from a physician to a writer. An MD degree is inherent external validation, while people often don't know how to react when you say you are a writer - there is no built in external validation. I could be deluding myself!
You may be right?! I’m not sure the built in validation stacks up in comparison to doctor. But as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to write, so I do get impressed when someone says they’re a writer.
Way back in the day, when someone would ask me what I did, I'd ask if they had heard of Heidi Fleiss. If they said yes, I'd lean in and say, "I took over for her." This was LA; everyone had heard of her. And either they believed me or they knew I didn't want to talk about it. Either way, the subject was changed. LOL. I've also told people I'm in witness protection when I didn't want my photo taken at events. That works when a no won't. xo
I wish I had your knack for sass!! I can just imagine the looks you must've gotten. I need to have a funny comeback. You and Switter are ruling the day on the snappy response front.
I was born sarcastic. And when the gullible open a door, it must be walked through. xo
Now that’s the way to do it. Embarrass them. In Nevada, one could always say they are employed at the Mustang Ranch part of the year to earn money for medical school.
When people ask me what I did for a living, I stopped telling them that I was a humanitarian aid worker, because of either the “thank you for your service,” or even worse, “such a noble and selfless calling” while I’m thinking how lucky I was to avoid the 9-5 cubicle life as an insurance actuarial and instead, got to run around in some trackless jungle or desert, ducking whatever angry projectile was aimed in my direction, seeing the places even adventure travelers avoid, and getting paid to do it. So when asked, I now answer their question by telling them I spent my life teaching poor people to wash their hands after they go poo.
Sometimes, when I’m in an expansive mood, I tell them I am a fiction writer (funding proposals), make millions of dollars each year (in grant funding) and donate it all to the poor in developing countries. Then I ask them if they’ve ever read any of my work. It’s amazing how many people say yes, since of course everyone has read all the books that earn millions of dollars.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying over here. Thank-you.🤣💩💩
Switter, you rule. LOL. Amazing. And I think there are some people here you need to teach that handwashing lesson to. ❤️ xo
Don’t get me started. Hand washers are a dying breed. From time to time, I do make rude comments, like “do you really think I want to pull that door open after you touched it with the same hands you just now used to wipe your ass and neglected to wash?”
I did learn through scientific experimentation that the conscientious folk keep the slaggards from starting cholera outbreaks. During a college biology lab, we were assigned to take samples from the filthiest places we could think of and then culture the swabs. I chose the door pull on a busy men’s bog for a sample and the sole on my shoe after standing in front of a urinal.
After a day or so, the shoe sample erupted into a magnificent broccoli-like growth of pestilence and disease. The door handle sample was sterile. Nothing grew. Why, I thought, when so many are so careless? Then I realized that enough people wash their hands with the anti-filth soap that a killing residue is left on the surfaces they touch. Never in the history of filth have so few, using so little, managed to save so many, although a good herd culling might have some beneficial advantages.
LOL. I think it's shoes and cellphones that have the most gunk. I am a NOVID (and I plan to stay that way). I am a mask-wearing hand-washer. BUT before COVID, I was a hand-washer. I never get the flu shot (bad reaction to one 30 years ago), and don't get the flu (even when my old bosses who got the flu shot both got the flu)...because I wash my gawddamn hand! Conversely, you can pump me full of whatever they've got to stave off COVID (every vaccine and booster in me...still won't get the flu shot, though). I bringing sexy mask, and anyone who gives me the side-eye for wearing it gets the death glare from me. And a secret spell. Called karma. I'm not going to let a few bumblef*cks ruin my health, thankyouverymuch. Hygiene is not hard. Don't even get me started on full-body deodorants. TAKE AN EFFING SHOWER AND WASH YOUR PARTS, PEOPLE! It's super basic. Your parents failed you. xo
Also computer keyboards, and what’s with the phlegm and other unidentifiable glop on computer screens?
During my travels, I took to carrying small bottles of Purell, especially in regions where religious duty requires rinsing the five members of the body several times per day, or where it was cheaper to use the local currency that to buy bog roll.
I had a brief friendship with a French guy that ended badly because of these matters. All I did was mention that if his people went ahead and installed full showers instead of trying to save a little money by installing only a bidet, they could more than cover the extra cost for the shower because they wouldn’t need to spend so much on cologne and perfume.
I’m still not sure why he got so defensive.
Well, then again, by skipping showers, they have time to take to the streets to protest. I admire that. Wouldn't necessarily want to be in the crowd, though -- not a fan of crowds in general. (BTW, For those who aren't familiar, this is sarcasm and comedy. If you aren't getting it, please don't crash the party. Cheers!) xo
Eewww. 🤢
🤣🤣
That question bothered me more in my former career as a pastor. Partly because I never knew if the reaction to my answer would be a lecture about why women aren’t supposed to be pastors. And partly because it was hard to convince people that things like doing the research necessary to write sermons, visiting members, and going to church events counted as work or took enough time to justify a salaried position with benefits.
It also bothered me when I was no longer a pastor but still trying to get (or stay in) other FT jobs. The ones I got paid low hourly wages and I was ashamed to admit how far I’d fallen.
But now I’m thrilled to answer that I’m a freelance writer and be asked what I write about. It’s a great opportunity to promote work I’m proud of!
It does bug me when the phrase “earn a living” is used, though. I don’t think anyone should have to earn the right to live (or to have food and shelter)!
Like you, I’m not making a living as a writer yet, but I’m making a LIFE that reflects my values instead of society’s. And that’s so much better than the one I had before, even though I have a lot less money.
Being a pastor is gruelling work. Our pastor from our old church has become a good friend. I watched as a congregation gathered and turned on him and have been told that's quite common in churches. Especially if the pastor is confronted with having to uphold Christ's teachings when certain flock members would prefer he'd turn the other way. We just started going back to church after years of being away. A little old Anglican church by the ocean and also where we got married almost 36 years ago. The pastor is a woman and she's shared some interesting stories! I guess being a woman in any workplace where it's typically seen as a man's role is going to be an uphill battle.
I love how you've described making a life that reflects your own values instead of society's. Something we should all be striving for! Thanks Wendi.
Yes, my husband and I were co-pastors of a congregation with leaders who turned on us because they didn’t want to hear that Jesus commands his followers to love everyone and reject violence (among other things).
Even though I’ve had a career as a photographer, I’ve never felt comfortable saying “I’m a photographer.” And when that transitioned into a film career, I never felt comfortable saying “I’m a filmmaker.” It’s too certain, too much of a claim on my identity. Instead I’ll just say, “I take pictures, make films, produce content for the chronic illness community” or whatever happens to be the flavor du jour. Maybe this is a symptom of my watery nature or decades of not really having a grasp of my foundational identity to build anything else upon it, but it certainly has been a funny question to answer directly. Keep ‘em guessing Kim!
What a great way to respond. And interesting perspective on why you've responded that way over your life. I love this Kimberly. Keep it fluid. xo
This question has been the bane of my last 2 years.
I’ve found myself running an international female network on Mallorca - the little island that’s full of big fish.
I have accidentally become a communications expert, teaching these women new ways to communicate!
The million dollar ‘what do you do question’, has been my topic of focus and I’m excited to have found a new formula.
I am so inspired by this piece of writing that I am going to start my own Substack and I am going to make my writing public.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you ⚡️⚡️⚡️💛💛💛
This is AWESOME Emma. I’m so happy it’s inspired you in this way. As writers this is our one true hope. That what we write has an impact with someone. You just made my week!! I’ll be watching for your newsletter! Tag me when you do hit publish so I don’t miss it. Look forward to reading.
Thank you for your kind words- I’ll keep you posted!!! 😇
1. Trying to educate people about Israel due to the barrage of lies.
2. I’m actually thrilled when someone asks what I do. They are a potential subscriber. I gave my biz card to the Clear rep at the airport the other day.
3. Love. Know that love wins, that love is an actually energy.
I saw your note about handing out business cards for your newsletter. I actually thought of you when the guy was asking all those questions. I wish I could just hand him a card like Carissa. If he did find me online and subscribe I hope he reads this with the good intention I created it with. 🤔
I like to read Eve Barlow as part of my education on Israel. She’s passionate and pissed and writes so plainly about the larger implications which I wish everyone could understand (and read!)
Sending love to you and yours. Appreciate you my friend.
Your Substack is wonderful and a unique opportunity for strangers, whether they’re a plumber, HVAC dude or installing blinds, to learn something new about themselves, others and the world. If it’s not for them they can just unsubscribe.
Glad you subscribe to Eve. The Future of Jewish is another great Substack but I have to pick and choose based on headlines. He sometimes posts twice a day!
Sending hugs. 🤗
Important words as I transition back
An object lesson on being important: fill a five gallon bucket with water, insert your irreplaceable hand and arm into the water all the way to the bottom. Quickly remove your hand from the water. The impression you leave in the water is a metaphor of your importance in the workplace.
During my first few years of living in Africa, for some reason I never learned, KLM provided free business class upgrades for people of my ilk, we professional do-gooders. It was an unholy gift because it slightly readjusted my thinking. I am this thing, deserving of special attention. At some point, the perk ended and I sat in misery with the masses. My self importance withered away rather quickly.
Years later, after my career crashed and burned, I spent days on end with a pillow over my face and on those rare days when I managed to go out, I spent them sorting nuts, bolts, and washers on the floor of my garage. It was what I did for a living.
As I emerged from that darkness, I occasionally traveled to Alberta where my son attended university. On returning home once, an especially irksome INS officer became overly interested in my livelihood.
“I’m retired,” I lied.
“Retired from what?” he pressed .
“Retired from hell on earth where nothing can protect me from unseeing and unknowing what I experienced and dream about every night,” I patiently but pointedly explained.
“Were you in the military,” he asked, not knowing other people also experience war. “What do you do for a living now?”
“I sometimes watched babies die because the adults in charge couldn’t be bothered to make peace. Sometimes I held those babies when they died. And then I wrote about it, because it was the only thing I could do to keep their tiny scraps of humanity from disappearing forever. Maybe I am a writer or maybe I make grave markers from words.”
He finally seemed either satisfied or bored, because he waved me on.
I have no occupation. I only live in the world and try to make sense of it these days. I live for a living.
My new answer to anyone who ever asks me this question again. "I live for a living." :)
Oh how I've missed you and your unique perspective Switter.❤️🩹
Or, are you writing a book? Then leave this chapter out.
It surely is nice to be missed! Much better than the alternative.
Relating so hard to this, I just might turn into a fossil. If lolling about my living room writing rom-coms in jammies that do mid-list sales defines me... hmmm... I don't want to be important??? xo
Trust me. You are really important. Where would we be without rom-com's??
Hey, here's a n idea. Maybe one of your characters can be very full of self importance and she's flying First Class and not wanting to mix with the riff/raff in economy, even if one of them is her dear friend. As long as she's in First Class all is good with the world. **this didn't happen in real life** 🙄
I don’t even know what a romcom is, but I’m rooting for you. (They don’t let us out of the Home much, so I fall behind on new things.)
Feeling this SO HARD right now, Kim.
I’m visiting family right now, and was at a fancy DC event last night where I had to answer this question three times. Can I tell you about the sheer panic that crossed my face as I calculated the answer that’d get the spotlight off me ASAP? Needed to read this one today!
PS: I’ve driven through Kamloops a few times on my way to the Canadian Rockies, and it’s delightful to know it’s your hometown.
Oy. Squirming alongside you, just thinking about that nightmare scenario. Hang in there Maddie. I like Switter's answer above (or below?) "I live for a living." Wouldn't it be fun to watch people's reactions to that answer?😜
I'll just be over here trying to drum up the courage to use that line next time!
😂. And when you do, let us know how it goes! lol.
🫠
Yes to being rather than doing. What I do does not define me. Who I am (to be) does a better job of that. I do what I do because of who I am. How rare would it be to meet someone for the first time and the question was not "What do you do?" but rather, "Who are you?" Here's an old post from another place in 2016 that maybe I should dust off, revise and update. Thanks.
https://garygruber.com/two-essential-questions-2/
I like the idea of getting to the essence of a person. How much richer we would all be if we could just be honest with one another and not have to put on airs or masks. Hiding behind what we "do" as if the answer would make any difference to how that person receives us.
"getting to the essence of a person" whether ourselves or another is a gift to be given and received, one to the other. If you want to know who people are, listen to what they say about others. And see where people invest time and energy according to what they believe - values and behaviors. That is revealing!
Your honesty shines through. I love that on so many levels. And you. I love you.
xo
Thank you, Kim. Wonderful prompts for self-reflection. And yes, you are doing important work!!!
Thanks Sue! You too.
I think of it as a euphemism, a placeholder. Nothing more.
Do you think it changes the way people receive us depending on our answer j.e.? Or is it like the everyday greeting, "how are you?" where no one really cares about what your response is?
It depends on who’s asking & why. I’ve come to learn that what others think of me is none of my business & I don’t allow them to live in my head rent-free.
As these things often go I finally got to this excellent essay at EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME (sorry for the shouty words Kim!). I need this reminder because life has become too full of I-don't-know-what and all-the-dumb-details are sapping my inner strength and not allowing me to BE. Your word snuck into my heart to ignite the spark I needed to draw inward. Thank you❤
I’m so happy they found you when needed. And I love your SHOUTY pants enthusiasm. I feel it and always makes me smile. Sending you big hugs. 🤗
Glad to have discovered you through @csteefel’s piece. You echo so many of my thoughts on this subject! I find that the slightly irreverent “what do you do?” is the only way most people know how to begin (and therefore end) every conversation. It can be particularly triggering for those of us whose “job” doesn’t quite explain what we do with our time in exchange for money. I’ve written about my experience of handling this question (and also “being vs. becoming a writer”), and why it is the reason for me to avoid social gatherings! I’d love to know your thoughts if you get around to reading it :)
https://open.substack.com/pub/richa/p/how-do-you-introduce-yourself?r=3ardv&utm_medium=ios
Richa!! I loved your post on this subject. We've felt much the same way. Thanks for your comment and sharing. I'm curious to know more about those naps! What the heck?! Is that because it was too hot in the afternoons? Like the siesta in some cultures?
Thank you, Kim, for reading my post! I'm delighted to have found a kindred spirit. Maybe one day, several years later, people will finally realise how inappropriate (and triggering!) it is to ask every new person, "So, what do you do?".
About the naps, yes, it does get terribly hot in Delhi (India) in the summer, but I never cared for that as a child. In fact, it was delightful to be out and about while most people were indoors.
I've thought a lot about the balance between self-identify and external validation, particularly when transitioning from a physician to a writer. An MD degree is inherent external validation, while people often don't know how to react when you say you are a writer - there is no built in external validation. I could be deluding myself!
You may be right?! I’m not sure the built in validation stacks up in comparison to doctor. But as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to write, so I do get impressed when someone says they’re a writer.