Endings have been tricky for me, and I can relate to the abruptness you experienced with your job, your body necessitating the exit. Because I navigate the world kinesthetically, I often feel the need to simply “go dark” after something ends, let go of expectations of it needing to look a certain way, otherwise my mind can get in the way of my body doing the unwinding in her own way, and in her own timing. If that makes any sense! (It does to my body…😂)
Allowing the body the time and space for the unwinding makes total sense. I think I'm nearing the completion of the unwinding, which might be why I'm looking for that ritual or ceremony to mark it. Something's happening and stirring inside that hasn't been stirring in awhile! I'm taking that as a good sign. Thanks for sharing Kimberly. xo
This is interesting Kimberly. I don't think I've thought about the need to 'go dark' but perhaps that's something I do as well. I'm going to hold that idea front of mind.
I hadn’t considered all the ways that not “finishing strong” in different areas of life had weighed on me until you wrote this piece. And I certainly hadn’t thought about rituals as a way of coping with this particular challenge. Such a thought-provoking piece, Kim!
I retired early at 60. I was pretty angry that entire last year with all of the COVID restrictions, vaccine mandates and the endless fear porn. I didn't want a ceremony, but they shoved a little surprise one on me the last day. I mourn not being able to feel happy about retirement, ending it on happier terms with a symbolic goodbye.
What's helped a little has been informally counseling others about to embark on the same journey - leaving a job that defines them for some new thing still nebulous and undefined. In other words, entering a fear and anxiety retirement zone.
One man said he didn't want a retirement party or ceremony - his family company bought out several years ago with a guarantee of employment for him until retirement, but the first buyers have now sold to second buyers who have given him a firm date of November 1 for forced retirement at 62. I recommended that he have his own, multiple, retirement goodbye luncheons, shorten his weeks and use up his leave while finding and maximizing new hobbies. He'd like to write a book, for example.
I said, what are they going to do, FIRE you? Nope, that opens them up to all sorts of possibilities, all bad. So schedule luncheons with all of your favorite employees at all these other satellite offices, go and say a real goodbye and feel good about it. (Too bad I didn't have me around to give ME advice before I dropped my papers and John Galted my last six months. Hah!)
What great advice you've given him!! People keep asking me if I'm retired. I don't think so, but sometimes it's easier to say yes, than try to explain this liminal space I'm in. I'm sorry you had a difficult transition and not the retirement you were hoping for. It sounds like you certainly have made the best of it and are helping others! Good on you. Thanks for sharing.
Relating to this so hard to this, I just might turn into a fossil... as they say. I too did not "finish strong" at 45 when my condition so abruptly kicked in... and I have been on the hunt these past 9 years for how we can inject ritual and meaning not just back into the every day but also into our major life transitions, where we're in essence making way to birth new selves, new stories, and setting new criteria for satisfaction, progress, and joy. It seems all meaningful rituals possess three characteristics; 1) they bear witness to the fact that what was before is no longer, and that because of this, 2) the heart is now is deep conflict with itself, meaning is contested, and so 3) a ceremonial and cognitive reconciliation must be found to move forward. History is rife with examples of this triptych. Dr. Sharon Blackie from The Art of Enchantment has a new book coming out in Oct. 'Wise Women' https://a.co/d/0Yxqbg6 It's a collection of original texts dating back to the Celts and I wonder if some of these stories wouldn't prove useful in ritual design. Just a thought. xo
You’ve reminded me of a project I worked on with an artist friend which was all about bearing witness. And it was very healing. So what you’ve suggested makes so much sense. You’ve sparked some good ideas. Along with Carissa’s comment about her hubby’s process. I’m going to check out the book you’ve suggested as well. Sounds interesting.
This is a great topic. Although not a ritual, being able to focus on compensatory beginnings when something ends is helpful. For example, you have a Substack community and many readers who value and prize your work. That's a beginning that may have not been possible in your former role.
I also thought of my mother dying as Covid started, making it impossible for me to be with her in her last moments and making a funeral impossible as well. We did have a memorial of family, a few months later in our liviung room, which we recorded. I also made a video celebrating her life working at the hospital. Those events, although not rituals, made me feel that I had an ending.
Excellent points David. I definitely wouldn’t have found myself writing a weekly newsletter in my old role. So yes, while I didn’t see this as a beginning, it’s definitely directly correlated to the other career ending.
Thank you Kim. Ending strong hits the nail on the head for me in my current work space, keeping me 'not wanting to leave/retire until my work is done...' *with complications keeping it undone.. and rituals as a way of marking and ending my mom and brother's deaths.. you've named what has been missing for me...now i will find that ritual similar to your quoted author... 💖
I had wanted out of that job for a very long time and did not want a going away party, because I hated their office parties where they drank too much. I kept looking but hadn’t been able to find a way out. I was already practicing meditation and self observation when at work I noticed my thought. “How do I get out of here without a going away party?“ Literally the next day I became too ill to work.
It was weird to suddenly be unable to work for an indefinite amount of time and not one of my coworkers reached out to me to offer concern. I just disappeared into a void to survive and grieve the loss of my former life. No ritual for me, just a lot of personal spiritual/emotional growth, plus moving out of state. When I recovered three years later, I was grateful for every moment because I had learned so much that I could’ve never learned any other way.
I feel much the same way Grace. I'm grateful for these three years and the unlearning that happened so I could see more clearly what was best for me as a human person as opposed to everyone and everything else in my life. Thanks for sharing. I'm happy you're here.
I love a good ritual. We need a little pomp and circumstance every once in a while to take note of a transition. But here's what I'm trying now, KVB: The past doesn't exist.
That doesn't mean the experiences we've enjoyed or the wisdom we've gained is erased, but the weight of the past is gone. We drag that sh!t around like it means something. It really doesn't. Hear me out: It doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. It's back there. It will never return. But we allow the past to haunt us, to hold us back, to keep us from growing. WE do that, not the past. If we are truly present, none of that other stuff matters. xo
I grew up with cultural and religious rituals for beginnings and endings. Whether simple or complex, they all remind the individual that everything is a cooperation between their actions and God/ the Universe/ nature etc. I think it makes you more intentional and aware of your agency while simultaneously reminding you that it’s collaborative.
My last job was devastating for reasons far beyond my control, but I continued working until the bitter end on a date of my choosing and on my terms. I decided to stay until all my objectives were achieved, which included ensuring my staff were safe and cared for. Then I left in peace about my work in that place.
I did not leave in peace with my organization. I fired them; they did not fire me. It took me years to come to terms with my anger toward them, an anger I made sure they were fully aware of. My anger was finally resolved during EMDR therapy. I no longer loathed “them,” they stopped living in my head. All my negative emotions went away. “They” disappeared. I was free.
Perhaps if “they” were more aware of the sacrifices their employees endured and found a way to honor those sacrifices, the former employees might not need to struggle with the sense of defeat and anger. If only they understood. That is a place where rituals and traditions are needed. The military seems to understand how to do it, but nonprofits who present themselves as the embodiment of virtue too often are clueless.
This is totally understandable and human nature. Hubby left his job last year and made an elaborate poster with pictures and writings of all his successes, everything that represented this job. Then he burned the poster. Made a mini bonfire in the yard. He said it was very healing. He’s moved on.
Totally stealing this idea. I was mulling something like writing out anecdotes on paper and sending off little paper boats into the ocean or burning them. 🤔 It’s good to know it helped your hubby. Thanks for sharing his ritual.
Interestingly, the idea of rituals has been popping up all over the place for me the last two weeks. I've come across it here on Substack as well as in conversation with friends. As I've gotten older I've come to realize the importance of ritual and the lack of it in my own, and therefore my children's, lives. It doesn't have to be big but the events of our lives can be marked by intention and attention. I agree Kim, I think it soothes our soul.
Wow. This really resonated with m. I chose to leave my 30-year career but I couldn’t help feeling I’d left something undone, hadn’t reached high enough or strived enough, even though the C-suite was NEVER my goal. I didn’t realize how much of my perceived self-worth was tied up in my job, until after I’d left it. Not the title or the perks as much as the validation — the atta girls and recognition and camaraderie. It took a year or so of soul searching and what my life coach referred to as “bubble time,” to quiet the need-to-achieve voices in my head. Give yourself a break. You’ll find a new path and purpose that will make those nagging regrets completely disappear.
Within the last decade I've become more aware of the passage of time and how I am hurtling towards death. I write that statement without meaning to be alarmist! But there is this sense of holy smokes, maybe I've only lived two-thirds of my life and have another third to go. . . or I could be gone tomorrow. Nothing like the triathlon of health scare (cancer caught early), career end (releasing the identity of a 30-year high-level career) and witnessing family and friends' sudden decline/death to bring one up short. The result is now your thoughts of ritual ring truer. I do light the sage and brush the air of our home just for me. I have double-downed on voicing acknowledgement/intentionally thanking others especially when leaving. Could it be the last conversation I'll have with him/her? I suppose that's the "period at the end of the sentence" you note. Lovely thought-provoking post.
Endings have been tricky for me, and I can relate to the abruptness you experienced with your job, your body necessitating the exit. Because I navigate the world kinesthetically, I often feel the need to simply “go dark” after something ends, let go of expectations of it needing to look a certain way, otherwise my mind can get in the way of my body doing the unwinding in her own way, and in her own timing. If that makes any sense! (It does to my body…😂)
Allowing the body the time and space for the unwinding makes total sense. I think I'm nearing the completion of the unwinding, which might be why I'm looking for that ritual or ceremony to mark it. Something's happening and stirring inside that hasn't been stirring in awhile! I'm taking that as a good sign. Thanks for sharing Kimberly. xo
This is interesting Kimberly. I don't think I've thought about the need to 'go dark' but perhaps that's something I do as well. I'm going to hold that idea front of mind.
I hadn’t considered all the ways that not “finishing strong” in different areas of life had weighed on me until you wrote this piece. And I certainly hadn’t thought about rituals as a way of coping with this particular challenge. Such a thought-provoking piece, Kim!
Thanks Maddie. xo
I retired early at 60. I was pretty angry that entire last year with all of the COVID restrictions, vaccine mandates and the endless fear porn. I didn't want a ceremony, but they shoved a little surprise one on me the last day. I mourn not being able to feel happy about retirement, ending it on happier terms with a symbolic goodbye.
What's helped a little has been informally counseling others about to embark on the same journey - leaving a job that defines them for some new thing still nebulous and undefined. In other words, entering a fear and anxiety retirement zone.
One man said he didn't want a retirement party or ceremony - his family company bought out several years ago with a guarantee of employment for him until retirement, but the first buyers have now sold to second buyers who have given him a firm date of November 1 for forced retirement at 62. I recommended that he have his own, multiple, retirement goodbye luncheons, shorten his weeks and use up his leave while finding and maximizing new hobbies. He'd like to write a book, for example.
I said, what are they going to do, FIRE you? Nope, that opens them up to all sorts of possibilities, all bad. So schedule luncheons with all of your favorite employees at all these other satellite offices, go and say a real goodbye and feel good about it. (Too bad I didn't have me around to give ME advice before I dropped my papers and John Galted my last six months. Hah!)
What great advice you've given him!! People keep asking me if I'm retired. I don't think so, but sometimes it's easier to say yes, than try to explain this liminal space I'm in. I'm sorry you had a difficult transition and not the retirement you were hoping for. It sounds like you certainly have made the best of it and are helping others! Good on you. Thanks for sharing.
Relating to this so hard to this, I just might turn into a fossil... as they say. I too did not "finish strong" at 45 when my condition so abruptly kicked in... and I have been on the hunt these past 9 years for how we can inject ritual and meaning not just back into the every day but also into our major life transitions, where we're in essence making way to birth new selves, new stories, and setting new criteria for satisfaction, progress, and joy. It seems all meaningful rituals possess three characteristics; 1) they bear witness to the fact that what was before is no longer, and that because of this, 2) the heart is now is deep conflict with itself, meaning is contested, and so 3) a ceremonial and cognitive reconciliation must be found to move forward. History is rife with examples of this triptych. Dr. Sharon Blackie from The Art of Enchantment has a new book coming out in Oct. 'Wise Women' https://a.co/d/0Yxqbg6 It's a collection of original texts dating back to the Celts and I wonder if some of these stories wouldn't prove useful in ritual design. Just a thought. xo
You’ve reminded me of a project I worked on with an artist friend which was all about bearing witness. And it was very healing. So what you’ve suggested makes so much sense. You’ve sparked some good ideas. Along with Carissa’s comment about her hubby’s process. I’m going to check out the book you’ve suggested as well. Sounds interesting.
Working on it myself, so do let me know how you fare. xox
Kim,
This is a great topic. Although not a ritual, being able to focus on compensatory beginnings when something ends is helpful. For example, you have a Substack community and many readers who value and prize your work. That's a beginning that may have not been possible in your former role.
I also thought of my mother dying as Covid started, making it impossible for me to be with her in her last moments and making a funeral impossible as well. We did have a memorial of family, a few months later in our liviung room, which we recorded. I also made a video celebrating her life working at the hospital. Those events, although not rituals, made me feel that I had an ending.
Excellent points David. I definitely wouldn’t have found myself writing a weekly newsletter in my old role. So yes, while I didn’t see this as a beginning, it’s definitely directly correlated to the other career ending.
Thank you Kim. Ending strong hits the nail on the head for me in my current work space, keeping me 'not wanting to leave/retire until my work is done...' *with complications keeping it undone.. and rituals as a way of marking and ending my mom and brother's deaths.. you've named what has been missing for me...now i will find that ritual similar to your quoted author... 💖
Hi Lesley, I’m glad it helped you make it. All the best with finding a ritual that fits best for you.
I had wanted out of that job for a very long time and did not want a going away party, because I hated their office parties where they drank too much. I kept looking but hadn’t been able to find a way out. I was already practicing meditation and self observation when at work I noticed my thought. “How do I get out of here without a going away party?“ Literally the next day I became too ill to work.
It was weird to suddenly be unable to work for an indefinite amount of time and not one of my coworkers reached out to me to offer concern. I just disappeared into a void to survive and grieve the loss of my former life. No ritual for me, just a lot of personal spiritual/emotional growth, plus moving out of state. When I recovered three years later, I was grateful for every moment because I had learned so much that I could’ve never learned any other way.
I feel much the same way Grace. I'm grateful for these three years and the unlearning that happened so I could see more clearly what was best for me as a human person as opposed to everyone and everything else in my life. Thanks for sharing. I'm happy you're here.
I love a good ritual. We need a little pomp and circumstance every once in a while to take note of a transition. But here's what I'm trying now, KVB: The past doesn't exist.
That doesn't mean the experiences we've enjoyed or the wisdom we've gained is erased, but the weight of the past is gone. We drag that sh!t around like it means something. It really doesn't. Hear me out: It doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. It's back there. It will never return. But we allow the past to haunt us, to hold us back, to keep us from growing. WE do that, not the past. If we are truly present, none of that other stuff matters. xo
All great points. I really like the idea of erasing the weight of the past. It really does get too heavy! Time to put the giant backpack down. xo
Yes. Please! xo
I’ve described a similar experience as learning how to say a good goodbye. https://open.substack.com/pub/johnmoyermedlpcncc/p/the-good-goodbye?r=3p5dh&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I loved this J.E. There's alot to be said for a good goodbye! Thanks for sharing.
I grew up with cultural and religious rituals for beginnings and endings. Whether simple or complex, they all remind the individual that everything is a cooperation between their actions and God/ the Universe/ nature etc. I think it makes you more intentional and aware of your agency while simultaneously reminding you that it’s collaborative.
Love this Priya. Thank you for sharing.
My last job was devastating for reasons far beyond my control, but I continued working until the bitter end on a date of my choosing and on my terms. I decided to stay until all my objectives were achieved, which included ensuring my staff were safe and cared for. Then I left in peace about my work in that place.
I did not leave in peace with my organization. I fired them; they did not fire me. It took me years to come to terms with my anger toward them, an anger I made sure they were fully aware of. My anger was finally resolved during EMDR therapy. I no longer loathed “them,” they stopped living in my head. All my negative emotions went away. “They” disappeared. I was free.
Perhaps if “they” were more aware of the sacrifices their employees endured and found a way to honor those sacrifices, the former employees might not need to struggle with the sense of defeat and anger. If only they understood. That is a place where rituals and traditions are needed. The military seems to understand how to do it, but nonprofits who present themselves as the embodiment of virtue too often are clueless.
This is totally understandable and human nature. Hubby left his job last year and made an elaborate poster with pictures and writings of all his successes, everything that represented this job. Then he burned the poster. Made a mini bonfire in the yard. He said it was very healing. He’s moved on.
Totally stealing this idea. I was mulling something like writing out anecdotes on paper and sending off little paper boats into the ocean or burning them. 🤔 It’s good to know it helped your hubby. Thanks for sharing his ritual.
Interestingly, the idea of rituals has been popping up all over the place for me the last two weeks. I've come across it here on Substack as well as in conversation with friends. As I've gotten older I've come to realize the importance of ritual and the lack of it in my own, and therefore my children's, lives. It doesn't have to be big but the events of our lives can be marked by intention and attention. I agree Kim, I think it soothes our soul.
Wow. This really resonated with m. I chose to leave my 30-year career but I couldn’t help feeling I’d left something undone, hadn’t reached high enough or strived enough, even though the C-suite was NEVER my goal. I didn’t realize how much of my perceived self-worth was tied up in my job, until after I’d left it. Not the title or the perks as much as the validation — the atta girls and recognition and camaraderie. It took a year or so of soul searching and what my life coach referred to as “bubble time,” to quiet the need-to-achieve voices in my head. Give yourself a break. You’ll find a new path and purpose that will make those nagging regrets completely disappear.
Within the last decade I've become more aware of the passage of time and how I am hurtling towards death. I write that statement without meaning to be alarmist! But there is this sense of holy smokes, maybe I've only lived two-thirds of my life and have another third to go. . . or I could be gone tomorrow. Nothing like the triathlon of health scare (cancer caught early), career end (releasing the identity of a 30-year high-level career) and witnessing family and friends' sudden decline/death to bring one up short. The result is now your thoughts of ritual ring truer. I do light the sage and brush the air of our home just for me. I have double-downed on voicing acknowledgement/intentionally thanking others especially when leaving. Could it be the last conversation I'll have with him/her? I suppose that's the "period at the end of the sentence" you note. Lovely thought-provoking post.