"Our kids owe us nothing. The sooner we accept this reality the better off we’ll be as parents and people," is the soundest advice I've ever heard. Yes, we love them, yes they are incredible cosmic gifts, but they're were always (hopefully) going to grow into their own healthy, bright, independent people... We should wish full, rich lives for them... and perhaps be the red telephone should they ever have need? That's how I tend to look it... I want to be there when they need and for them to always know how proud I am, but never intruding because I want to respect their boundaries. xo
Agree with Neil. Great advice. Well said on every point.
My mom has very high expectations, not just with a long phone call but a fancy gift that she never appreciates. She also doesn't acknowledge that I'm a mom celebrating this day as well. Needless to say, I learned what not to do with my own kids. If I don't get a call or text I might check in with them. I don't expect any gift. In fact a few days before the manufactured (love that) holiday I texted them that all I wanted for mother's day was for them to tell me they are taking care of their mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. My daughter answered with a loving note and my son didn't respond as he has been wicked busy at work. (He's not great with texts anyway.)
I love that Carissa. What a great idea and very pro-active! I was looking after my grandsons while my daughter got whisked away for the weekend for a surprise birthday/Mother’s Day gift from her hubby. My grandson was very excited to serve me breakfast in bed. He’s five. He had his three year old brother bring me toast while he very carefully brought my tea. Melted my heart.
Everyday my kids didn’t come home with a purple sideways Mohawk haircut was a good day to be a parent. If they would have, I would have, too. Mutually Assured Embarrassment was the line in the sand and it was a joyful thing, even if it was never crossed.
Also, they know there is still the possibility that I will circle over their houses on Christmas morning in an upside down Piper Cub fitted with a loudspeaker that I, dressed as Santa, will use to ho ho ho them from the sky.
The only downside is that we still love and respect each other. I may never have a reason to be an upside down Santa.
Excellent advice from Neil and Kim. Many parents do live utterly for and through their children even their adult ones. I do expect the parent to live for amd make themselves happy in life. That way they offer their adult children something more than guilt. At the same time adult children should be adults and show appreciation and love to their parents in whatever is the best way at the time. A video call is not that hard to do on a commercialised special day or any other days of the year. I am involved in local old age home and the parents who are left and forgotten there is heartbreaking. I grew up in a family of an expectation of looking after my mom, after all my father left her destitute on the streest. I gladly accepted that expectation and fulfilled such, wish i could have done more. (My therapy to-be to work through that guilt and accept i did my best). Husband and i now looking after his mom in that she stays with us 30 years on and potentially for the rest of her life. We as adult children do it out of love not guilt. To me adult children and parents have mutual responsibilities in their inter relationships and care and love is one of them, within the realms of guilt free relationship. I dont believe in shaming the parent or the adult child, and yes such example in your post does show the real status of the relationship. I feel for the mom who has been ignored by her children, but i agree with the advice. Dont shame them. Embrace them, and try some way to celebrate your motherhood and personhood in a way that makes you happy. They will have to potentially handle their own guilt one day that they 'didnt do enough'....be the one to reach out, keep reaching out with love. But certainly look for ways to make yourself happier. Love your ss thank you. Lesley
You bring up a good point about the sandwich generation we find ourselves in with our aging parents. My mother in law is in a care home as dementia has taken its toll. It’s so hard to see our aging parents suffering in this way. I agree with you when you talk about the mutual responsibilities we have in the realms of guilt free. Thanks for your insight Lesley.
I keep telling them not to buy me any gifts, because in my life they are the greatest gifts, whether they celebrate the holiday with me or not. I enjoy spending time with them, but I realize that they are at the stage in their lives where they need to socialize with their friends when they are not working.
Wow, Kim. I think that second mom didn't realize the self-own she performed on the internet. Kind of tells us everything we need to know about her, and likely why her kids don't call. Whew. So, I don't have children (on purpose) and don't have a relationship with my family (for good reasons). We don't always end up with the family we want or deserve. But I would always wish the mother figures in my life a HMD because they were kind enough to show me that maternal love and guidance. I'm oddly sentimental, though. Alas, my Buddhist Mother passed away at the end of March, so this MD was a little bittersweet (she lived 85 amazing years). I'm fortunate that her kids remain friends/family. See? She keeps giving me gifts. Like Neil/you said: Children don't ask to be born. We just need to be loved, accepted and respected. That shouldn't be hard (but some parents are determined to be difficult). What we might "owe" for that is appreciation, but not to suffer endless emotional blackmail. The job of a parent is to raise an adult. And if that's timed right, parents then get to go on and enjoy the rest of their adulthood, having fun and doing things they couldn't with kids. It's sort of a win-win, when you think about it. If folks are allowed to spread their wings, home is usually a place they land. xo
Every word of this is such truth Sandra. I knew you would add more beautiful layers to this with your wisdom and insightful comments. I'm sorry for the loss of your Buddhist Mother. It sounds like she raised some amazing kids that continue to hold you in high regard as her chosen daughter. xo
Thanks, Kim. I was always so honored when she would introduce me as her Buddhist daughter and that her kids, and husband (RIP, GC) welcomed me as such. And it's you that add the beautiful layers, KVB. We just get to echo them. xo
This is my favourite thing you’ve ever written Kim. I constantly remind myself I am no longer responsible for my adult children’s emotional well-being, so why on earth should I think they can be responsible for mine? I don’t consciously think it, but underneath it all I could tell there is something trying to get my attention, I could feel it in my body when I read this.
Thank you so much for giving me these ideas to ponder and heal.
How unfortunate and sad that a Mom would publicly post something like that about her kids, that’s very hard to come back from.
Thanks Donna. I'm glad I was able to put down in words what was swirling around my own heart. I need to hear Neil's wise words again myself. Sometimes even when we know, it's hard.
If my kids disappoint me by doing something that hurts my feelings I will tell them. That's rare, and it's usually when they take our family sport of teasing too far. They're adults but also feel more comfortable than any other adult in arguing with me and teasing me, which I generally encourage.
Everything else you write makes perfect sense to me.
Oh, the family sport of teasing... I know it well. Especially when we get everyone together and the three kids (or even two) gang up on one of us--either myself or my husband. It's all in good fun, except when it hurts! Sometimes it cuts a bit too close to the bone, but for the most part we have a good laugh. When they get on a roll though....oy vay. Look out!
I am not a Mom, never will be. So I can’t relate to the first-person approach to this, but, as a daughter who — although, yes, is alone responsible for how she feels — has at times been made to feel (still working on the aforementioned parenthesized bit) that she owes her Mom everything and is responsible for her well-being and convincing her that she is or has been a good mother (🫠🫠🫠)… reading, “we owe our kids nothing,” was extremely validating for me. I am so very thankful for this sentiment and truly revere all the amazing mothers out there. 🥹🙏🏼
Ah Courtney. I've been the daughter in this situation and unfortunately, the mother who needs the validating. Luckily, I was able to course correct before too much damage done to my kiddos. It's a pattern I was repeating and was determined to figure out how to make it stop. I could see the pain it was causing my kids and it was making me feel shitty too. Manipulation, no matter what else I tried to call it, was still just that, manipulation. And, it's a messy sport. Not one you, or any other kid deserves. xo
I am literally so bad at Substack, haha, and I just saw this return comment! All moms are such marvels, and in the end we are all just humans trying to figure out the crash course of our lives and trajectory all the way to the ether. Your journey in awareness speaks volumes of your character and is more than most moms are able to do, just don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. 💛💛
This was such an interesting read and i had trouble wrapping my head around parts of it. Probably because I couldn't imagine any of the scenarios. My son was my only and he was a complete mama's boy his entire life lol. He couldn't go more than a day without being in touch and vice versa. I think that's why the void was so HUGE when I lost him.
But the last section in your post about the mother calling her kids a disappointment broke my heart. I could ever imagine having felt that way about my son. Even when he did disappointing things, I just loved him harder and stood by him. And now that he's gone I'm grateful that I always did!
"Our kids owe us nothing. The sooner we accept this reality the better off we’ll be as parents and people," is the soundest advice I've ever heard. Yes, we love them, yes they are incredible cosmic gifts, but they're were always (hopefully) going to grow into their own healthy, bright, independent people... We should wish full, rich lives for them... and perhaps be the red telephone should they ever have need? That's how I tend to look it... I want to be there when they need and for them to always know how proud I am, but never intruding because I want to respect their boundaries. xo
I love the idea of being the red telephone ☎️ if they need.
Agree with Neil. Great advice. Well said on every point.
My mom has very high expectations, not just with a long phone call but a fancy gift that she never appreciates. She also doesn't acknowledge that I'm a mom celebrating this day as well. Needless to say, I learned what not to do with my own kids. If I don't get a call or text I might check in with them. I don't expect any gift. In fact a few days before the manufactured (love that) holiday I texted them that all I wanted for mother's day was for them to tell me they are taking care of their mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. My daughter answered with a loving note and my son didn't respond as he has been wicked busy at work. (He's not great with texts anyway.)
I love that Carissa. What a great idea and very pro-active! I was looking after my grandsons while my daughter got whisked away for the weekend for a surprise birthday/Mother’s Day gift from her hubby. My grandson was very excited to serve me breakfast in bed. He’s five. He had his three year old brother bring me toast while he very carefully brought my tea. Melted my heart.
Wait. You’re a grandma?
So sweet!
Yes! Of three little boys. 5,3 and 2. Biggest joys of my life. I highly recommend.
I can’t wait.
You are one hip gma. A podcast and wonderful Substack…
Everyday my kids didn’t come home with a purple sideways Mohawk haircut was a good day to be a parent. If they would have, I would have, too. Mutually Assured Embarrassment was the line in the sand and it was a joyful thing, even if it was never crossed.
Also, they know there is still the possibility that I will circle over their houses on Christmas morning in an upside down Piper Cub fitted with a loudspeaker that I, dressed as Santa, will use to ho ho ho them from the sky.
The only downside is that we still love and respect each other. I may never have a reason to be an upside down Santa.
Mutually assured embarrassment!!! What a brilliant idea. Perhaps one day you may wish to be the upsides down Santa just for fun. 😂
Excellent advice from Neil and Kim. Many parents do live utterly for and through their children even their adult ones. I do expect the parent to live for amd make themselves happy in life. That way they offer their adult children something more than guilt. At the same time adult children should be adults and show appreciation and love to their parents in whatever is the best way at the time. A video call is not that hard to do on a commercialised special day or any other days of the year. I am involved in local old age home and the parents who are left and forgotten there is heartbreaking. I grew up in a family of an expectation of looking after my mom, after all my father left her destitute on the streest. I gladly accepted that expectation and fulfilled such, wish i could have done more. (My therapy to-be to work through that guilt and accept i did my best). Husband and i now looking after his mom in that she stays with us 30 years on and potentially for the rest of her life. We as adult children do it out of love not guilt. To me adult children and parents have mutual responsibilities in their inter relationships and care and love is one of them, within the realms of guilt free relationship. I dont believe in shaming the parent or the adult child, and yes such example in your post does show the real status of the relationship. I feel for the mom who has been ignored by her children, but i agree with the advice. Dont shame them. Embrace them, and try some way to celebrate your motherhood and personhood in a way that makes you happy. They will have to potentially handle their own guilt one day that they 'didnt do enough'....be the one to reach out, keep reaching out with love. But certainly look for ways to make yourself happier. Love your ss thank you. Lesley
You bring up a good point about the sandwich generation we find ourselves in with our aging parents. My mother in law is in a care home as dementia has taken its toll. It’s so hard to see our aging parents suffering in this way. I agree with you when you talk about the mutual responsibilities we have in the realms of guilt free. Thanks for your insight Lesley.
I keep telling them not to buy me any gifts, because in my life they are the greatest gifts, whether they celebrate the holiday with me or not. I enjoy spending time with them, but I realize that they are at the stage in their lives where they need to socialize with their friends when they are not working.
Such a healthy perspective Jo. Sounds like you've got a strong foundation of love and support from your kids. In a healthy way!
Wow, Kim. I think that second mom didn't realize the self-own she performed on the internet. Kind of tells us everything we need to know about her, and likely why her kids don't call. Whew. So, I don't have children (on purpose) and don't have a relationship with my family (for good reasons). We don't always end up with the family we want or deserve. But I would always wish the mother figures in my life a HMD because they were kind enough to show me that maternal love and guidance. I'm oddly sentimental, though. Alas, my Buddhist Mother passed away at the end of March, so this MD was a little bittersweet (she lived 85 amazing years). I'm fortunate that her kids remain friends/family. See? She keeps giving me gifts. Like Neil/you said: Children don't ask to be born. We just need to be loved, accepted and respected. That shouldn't be hard (but some parents are determined to be difficult). What we might "owe" for that is appreciation, but not to suffer endless emotional blackmail. The job of a parent is to raise an adult. And if that's timed right, parents then get to go on and enjoy the rest of their adulthood, having fun and doing things they couldn't with kids. It's sort of a win-win, when you think about it. If folks are allowed to spread their wings, home is usually a place they land. xo
Every word of this is such truth Sandra. I knew you would add more beautiful layers to this with your wisdom and insightful comments. I'm sorry for the loss of your Buddhist Mother. It sounds like she raised some amazing kids that continue to hold you in high regard as her chosen daughter. xo
Thanks, Kim. I was always so honored when she would introduce me as her Buddhist daughter and that her kids, and husband (RIP, GC) welcomed me as such. And it's you that add the beautiful layers, KVB. We just get to echo them. xo
This is my favourite thing you’ve ever written Kim. I constantly remind myself I am no longer responsible for my adult children’s emotional well-being, so why on earth should I think they can be responsible for mine? I don’t consciously think it, but underneath it all I could tell there is something trying to get my attention, I could feel it in my body when I read this.
Thank you so much for giving me these ideas to ponder and heal.
How unfortunate and sad that a Mom would publicly post something like that about her kids, that’s very hard to come back from.
Thanks Donna. I'm glad I was able to put down in words what was swirling around my own heart. I need to hear Neil's wise words again myself. Sometimes even when we know, it's hard.
Beautiful reflection and sharing. I feel the love you have for your not so wee ones ... and for you shining through.
If my kids disappoint me by doing something that hurts my feelings I will tell them. That's rare, and it's usually when they take our family sport of teasing too far. They're adults but also feel more comfortable than any other adult in arguing with me and teasing me, which I generally encourage.
Everything else you write makes perfect sense to me.
Oh, the family sport of teasing... I know it well. Especially when we get everyone together and the three kids (or even two) gang up on one of us--either myself or my husband. It's all in good fun, except when it hurts! Sometimes it cuts a bit too close to the bone, but for the most part we have a good laugh. When they get on a roll though....oy vay. Look out!
I am not a Mom, never will be. So I can’t relate to the first-person approach to this, but, as a daughter who — although, yes, is alone responsible for how she feels — has at times been made to feel (still working on the aforementioned parenthesized bit) that she owes her Mom everything and is responsible for her well-being and convincing her that she is or has been a good mother (🫠🫠🫠)… reading, “we owe our kids nothing,” was extremely validating for me. I am so very thankful for this sentiment and truly revere all the amazing mothers out there. 🥹🙏🏼
Ah Courtney. I've been the daughter in this situation and unfortunately, the mother who needs the validating. Luckily, I was able to course correct before too much damage done to my kiddos. It's a pattern I was repeating and was determined to figure out how to make it stop. I could see the pain it was causing my kids and it was making me feel shitty too. Manipulation, no matter what else I tried to call it, was still just that, manipulation. And, it's a messy sport. Not one you, or any other kid deserves. xo
I am literally so bad at Substack, haha, and I just saw this return comment! All moms are such marvels, and in the end we are all just humans trying to figure out the crash course of our lives and trajectory all the way to the ether. Your journey in awareness speaks volumes of your character and is more than most moms are able to do, just don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. 💛💛
This was such an interesting read and i had trouble wrapping my head around parts of it. Probably because I couldn't imagine any of the scenarios. My son was my only and he was a complete mama's boy his entire life lol. He couldn't go more than a day without being in touch and vice versa. I think that's why the void was so HUGE when I lost him.
But the last section in your post about the mother calling her kids a disappointment broke my heart. I could ever imagine having felt that way about my son. Even when he did disappointing things, I just loved him harder and stood by him. And now that he's gone I'm grateful that I always did!