A Small, Quiet Life
Being Here is Enough
For those of you who’ve been reading along for a while, you may recognize this as another small step in my ongoing practice of choosing steadiness over striving. Thank-you for being here. I appreciate you more than you know.
January arrives with a lot of expectation attached to it.
This year, I find myself wanting something different.
Instead of reaching for more, I’m trying to hold on to what I already have….A sense of balance, hard-won and still a little fragile. Equanimity. Calmness of mind, even in the face of difficulty.
Which means, no big hairy goals, no big plans. Most days I am perfectly OK with this. Although, recently I had two pangs of… ‘I should be doing more.’
Doing being the key word.
That’s not to say I haven’t made any plans. I am signed up for a workshop to learn more about growing flowers. I’m doing a writing workshop in February. I have my yoga, swimming, ocean dips. Simple things.
Living your daily life and being in your daily routine is perfectly acceptable.
My entire life, I have felt if I am not working, performing or taking care of other people, or projects, I am not doing enough. I am not enough.
Ultimately, this translates into my head as, I am not worth anything. Worthless. Unworthy.
Working to unlearn this habit and these thoughts, has taken me the better part of the last four years. And I still have to work at it. I haven’t erased it completely from my habitual brain, but it’s not the roaring lion constantly in my head. It’s now more like a distant rumbling, that surfaces occasionally.
Like when someone asks me unexpectedly, “what are your plans today?"
When I was working as a CEO, this question was never in doubt. I was always busy. I had a full calendar of meetings, places to go, people to see. Not always the people I wanted to be seeing, but my schedule was packed. And I liked it that way.
It gave me a sense of grounding, power. I knew when I got up, where I needed to be and when. My day wasn’t my own, but it was action packed. The best part, you never knew what new thing was going to come across your desk. The busier the better.
Thus crisis communications and strategic planning were my jam for the better part of thirty years. The more weird shit you could throw at me, the better I would perform and show the world how invaluable I was. Or at least, that’s what I told myself.
So, when Monday, January 5th, 2026 rolled around…the day of ‘back to work’ after the holidays, there was a flicker of panic. I let my mind wander, momentarily, to what I would’ve been doing that day, in my “old” life.
I imagined it, smiled at the memories of the people I would’ve been sitting around a meeting table with. Good people. I imagined myself warmly greeting everyone and hearing about their time away with their families.
«insert record scratch»
The warm and fuzzy memory, quickly moved to facing my inbox and dealing with emails, issues and other people that weren’t so great. Reality. That’s when I stop imagining because it doesn’t take me anywhere good.
I measure this as progress.
This year it was a flicker. Other years, it has paralyzed me for weeks.
It’s only recently I’ve acknowledged the voices in my head. I’m not sure if it’s one voice, or several, but they are loud, vicious, mean and constant. I’m pretty sure it’s several voices, now that I think about it.
Until they went away, I also didn’t understand how omnipresent they were.
When did they start? They’ve always been there. As far back as I can remember.
Thus, the equanimity I feel more and more…I want to protect it. Guard it. It’s worth protecting. Right now, that takes work. It doesn’t come naturally. Not yet.
So, when someone asks a simple question like “what are you up to today?”
There is a whole tsunami of thoughts in my head that I have to mentally run from, or try to guard against. And, as you know, if you’ve seen a tsunami. You don’t stop a tsunami. It roars and rumbles through, and you hang on for dear life—hoping you survive.
My inner voices came rumbling to the surface when asked this innocent question.
I wasn’t doing anything that would help the world move forward in any positive way. I wasn’t saving lives, or curing cancer. I wasn’t helping other people in any significant way. I was just living a normal day—walking my dog, going for a swim. A small, quiet life in my seaside shire.1
The panic the question set off in my body when I didn’t have a worthy enough answer was a reminder and a blessing. I have this thing inside me, these ugly voices that rear up, usually when I least expect it, but I also know how to manage it now.
I know they pass. And I’m still standing when the waves of emotion subside. It cycles through more quickly now. For which I am grateful.
If you feel like you need to set audacious goals this time of year and you haven’t, I see you.
If you have set some big ones and are excited about where they might take you, I’ll be there to cheer you on.
Either way, please know this: being here is enough. Being you is enough.
No matter how full—or how spacious—you decide to make your days. No matter how much you do, or don’t do. You are not behind. You are not lacking.
You are always, always enough. Simply by being here.
You are truly and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
With love. KVB. xo
My kids have taken to calling our downsized house, in our quiet little neighbourhood, the Seaside Shire. They used to call our other home, The Kingdom, as a point of reference.
This resonates. I'll add to this wonderful essay that people don't consider writing a job. It's a hobby-- like swimming or knitting. They've obviously never written.
That said, and I may have said this before, we are human beings, not doings. The quiet stillness is important. The weight of busy-ness we put on ourselves. For me, it's a fear of judgment.
This is why I don't set schedules. I need to know I have time to meditate or cuddle my dog on a whim.
With all the noise of this world, the constant influx of information, we need to protect our white space more than ever. I think more and more CEOs are going to be prioritizing doing nothing for larger parts of their days and weeks, as a rebellious and generative act against the deadening of humanity. When someone asks what you’re doing and your answer is Nothing! I hear that as a radical, necessary, deeply human act that is far more creative and vital than being busy. Bravo!!!